Day Two

Day two is a picture of the person you have been closest with the longest.  Aside from the fact I have siblings and were very close to them at a point in my life, dh is the one I've been closest to for the last thirty-two years.  (Thirty-three if you count dating.)  Ironically, I went to school with his sister and then years later ended up working with her.  One day the two of us were out riding around and she drive into a VW Bug. She called her mom to come get us and that's when her brother (my dh) showed up.  Weird, huh?  We bought a house that had lots of land around it because we planned on having a lot of kids.  However, when our firstborn daughter was three and half years old she was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, which is genetic disease that is fatal.  Dh and I found out we were both carriers.  Our son was two at the time and we were advised never to have anymore children.  That's the first time our dreams were broken.  We did decide to have have one more child..our last.  She is a carrier of cf, but she doesn't have it.  Our son is not a carrier...he is okay. 

When our daughter was 12 years old, cystic fibrosis took her life.  More broken-ness.  You never get over the lost, ever.  It's with you every single day. 

Stay tuned for day three.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of our daughter and sister.  Anniversary is a word that sounds as though it's something to celebrate, but it's not.  Katrina was twelve years old when she lost her battle to cystic fibrosis.  That's when my family's lives changed; we felt the pain of broken hearts.  It's when five became four.  Parents lost their firstborn daughter, siblings lost their older sister.  Nothing to celebrate about that, for sure.  We felt as if we had been thrown into the sea and had to learn to keep our heads above water or we'd all drown.  Swimming against the current is the best way to describe it.  I had to learn to take four dinner plates out of the cabinet instead of five.  I had to look at the place at the table where Katrina used to sit.  Awful.  Whoever said time heals all wounds never experienced the death of a child.  It's certainly one wound that never, ever heals.  It's not something to get over, either.  It's always there, that knot in my stomach, the hole in my heart.  Dreams, goals and future is gone.  Furture grandchildren, gone.  It's all gone with the death of a child.  Katrina was a tropper, though as most cf kids are.  She never complained and always had a smile on her face.  Oh, if she was here I would grab her up in my arms and plant kisses on her face and tell her how much I love her.  Instead, I have to wait to be reunited with her.  It will happen someday.  I have missed her for eighteen years now.  I can't believe it's been so long.  Where has time gone?  Katrina, if you can somehow hear me, I love you; I miss you and I can't wait to see you again.
Love,
Mommy


I try to keep myself busy during this time, so I don't have to remember (but it doesn't work).  Husband and I went to the mall last weekend.  They had a pumpkin contest (different stores make a pumpkin to enter it in a contest).  Here's some of those pumpkins:

My daughter and her friends dressed up for Halloween and went out on the town.  She went as a dead bride.  The above picture was how I thought she'd look and it wasn't far from it.  Below is a picture of my daughter:

Why she chose this as her costume, I don't know.  After the mall we stopped by a farm down the street that has a corn maze and other activities, but since it was 10pm we didn't do much except look through the country store.  Then later that night I carved my pumpkin:

Honestly, it isn't as fun without my kids.  I know they are grown, but still, it was always a tradition and now it's kinda gone.  How I miss the giggles, the 'oh gross' when the kids would reach their hands inside the pumpkin to pull out all the guts and seeds.  Holidays = kids and laughs.    Those two just go together.  Now, it's time to think about Thanksgiving and Christmas.   A friend in Ohio had said that their forecast has mentioned snow for this Friday.  Please tell me it can't be..already. 

Many times I forget...

Our Beautiful Katrina

I will admit that I forget.  My sister asks the question of why can she remember the lyrics to songs back in the 50's and 60's but can't remember why she went into a room.  That's so true.  So many times, though I really forget each day is a gift from God.  We have no guarantees about tomorrow.  Some of us don't even get to finish out the day; people have gotten up to start their day like any other and never come back home.  My oldest daughter is one of those people.  She was alive one morning and gone by the end of the day. She was 12 years old.  She had a genetic disease called cystic fibrosis.  My husband and I are both carriers, although we didn't know we were when we had her.  It was the same way with my mother.  I talked to her on a Saturday afternoon and that night I got a phone call from my dad, telling me mom was gone.  My dad, was here one day and gone the next.  I have unfinished projects that I have put off doing because I think I'll have time later, but what if I don't?  I feel I take advantage of God and the gift he gives me (that 24 hours) and I don't make the most of it.  I think I need to work on that.