Howd'y there folks!   I haven't forgotten about you...just that depression has gotten in the way of everyday life.  It's really a Catch 22.  Depression makes a person not have the motivation to do anything, yet by doing nothing one falls into a deeper black hole.  Which, in turn, makes it harder for a person to climb back out.  {*Note:  Catch 22 is a book we had to read in junior high school; the phrase really is similar to a rock and a hard place.}  However, if one can do something, even the little thing, it can help one to climb out.  It's a sad thing, depression.  

I've really missed telling you alot of stuff that has happened.  For instance, Mother's Day.  Katrina's birthday day....but I'm not going to make up for it now.  I'm just gonna try to move forward and start with today.  

Today, I slept until 4 or 5 pm..however, I didn't go to sleep until 9 am.  And this scheduled doesn't help to get a good routine.  Why am I like this?  I think the only way to sleep is to take something and I've never, ever been one to take something for sleep.  But I've come to the point where sleep does not come naturally to me unless I'm so totally exhausted I just clonk out.  I think depression has something to do with it.  And knowing I have an appointment at a certain time of day causes my anxiety to kick in big time.  I hate appointments.  

So this week, actually tomorrow, I have to take the kittens to vets to get stitches removed and daughter is going away on a business trip, so I have to drop her off at the airport.  The airport of all places.  I don't even know how to drive through an airport.  Just thinking about it is giving me anxiety.

Yet, we just found out that a 'friend' from church passed away.  This woman was instrumental in bringing us to this particular church 20+ years ago.  I met her one day when both our daughters were taking tap dancing lessons at a community center.  The two of us would sit on the floor and talk about Christ, our schools, our churches.  I remember she was cross stitching something for a wedding and she couldn't make French knots in it so I showed her how to do it.  I wasn't happy with the school my kids were attending and she said her church had a school that was wonderful and I should go check it out.  She invited my family to the churches Passion play they put on every Easter and it was one of the best plays I had ever seen.  And, I remember her birthday was coming up and she was gonna be 39 and she was saying how old she was getting.  Can you imagine 39 being old??  Considering when she passed she was 65, fighting ovarian cancer and ending with 9 grandchildren.  Amazing!  So many of our friends are passing away and as one gets older it gets scarier to see this happening because one thinks they will always be in good health and live a long time, although I don't know what a long time really is.  I suppose 100 years is a long time, huh?

When one has depression and friends like her pass away, it can throw one deeper in the hole.  It's almost impossible to believe people so close to you are here alive and well for the most part and then gone forever.  The concept of it boggles the mind.  We are all so close to death's door and just don't seem to realize it.  

And yeah, I'm gonna say something about Bruce Jenner.  What a bunch of hog wash!!  These men who think changing the outside of themselves makes them a woman is stupid.  They dress up in women's clothes, put on make and grow their hair out and, bam, they are a woman.  I think not!!  When you have periods so painful you can even go to work or school, bloating to where you have to have different size clothes in your wardrobe for whatever day of the week it is , painful breasts, fatigue, headaches, birthing pains 'that time of the month' craziness, and a whole lot of other stuff that goes with being a real female...then come see us ladies.  And..the makeup....drag queen!  How many females  {real women, mind you} wear that much makeup??  He put son so much make up he looks like a clown.  Women don't wear make up like that.  It's ridiculous.  The world is wanting us to accept 'no gender' people and that happening.  It's an insult to real women who fought to get voting rights and other rights.  I'm not talking about being a feminist.  But good gosh.....Bruce, you're a clown.  P.S....it was interesting how you had to hide you man hands in the Vanity Fair shot.  

Okay..that's it for now.  
Blessings!

 

When Fighting Depression...

Years ago when I was severely depressed (well, it was after my daughter passed away) I knew I had to pull myself up by my boot straps.  But it was hard.  The only way I can describe depression is that it feels like the living dead.  What I mean by that is that you feel dead, yet you're still alive.  Let's see if I can explain this:  one thing I love to do is go outside in the summer time and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  To me, that feels nice.  I am a part of my environment.  I hear the birds, I smell the grass so it feels good to be alive.  However, when one is depressed, you are detached from your environment.  I could be outside yet I felt so detached from the sun, the birds.  It's as if you are living in a bubble and can't reach out to the things that you want to be a part of.  That's why I call it the living dead.  You're alive but can't feel a part of living.  Dead.  So, I don't ever want to get in that 'black hole' ever again.  Some days though, I just don't feel like doing the chores I need to do, especially loading the dishwasher.  And that scares me because I don't ever want to get to the point where "I can't" load it.  So what i try to do every day is do one thing I feel good about.  If I accomplish one chore or clean a room, then I feel good I got something done.  I know, it's not much, but some days I can get a lot done thinking this way.   And yet, I don't feel guilty when I 'can't' get something done.  It's okay.

I say this because my kitchen needs cleaning.  I sorta cleaned it, but it needs one of those deep cleanings.  I haven't done it yet.  But, I've been thinking about it!

In the meantime, I did get this done: 

On the right is what was on the stool

The material I replaced on the stool

I love the new material.  It's so pretty.  

Donald and I also went to Petsmart for cat food and then to the grocery store to get a few items.  I can't believe how much food cost.  Donald had not been shopping with me in a long time and he just couldn't believe it either.  I think he has sticker shock.  Haha.

On Aug 6th, A&W was having a free float day.  Someone said it was National Soda Float Day.  But the flyer I saw on Facebook said A&W were giving free floats and asked for a donation to the Wounded Warrior Project.  When I asked about it at the restaurant, they didn't know what I was talking about.  Also, we had a choice to get a medium or large soda.  Crazy.  Again, the flyer said A&W would give small free floats.  Okay.  How can I argue with that?  

I appreciate the days when we get out and enjoy ourselves.   

Blessings!

Depression; Back Went Out

Depression has a way of holding onto a person and not letting go.  I watch those 'depression hurts' commercials on tv and I so feel their pain.  It's true about depression..it not only hurts you, your physical well-being but those all around you.  It's especially hard in winter when the days are short and dark.  Give me the sun and summer any day.  I want to see the flowers and green grass.  I want to ride in the car with the windows down. I want to grow plants in my garden.  But until then, I just plug along and try to get up each day and try to feel like I accomplished something.  Even it's only one thing like load the dishwasher.  It's pathetic, I know, especially when I was so busy when I was raising kids.  I could juggle a hundred different things at one time.  When I sit back and think about those days I can even amaze myself at how busy I stayed and how much I loved it all.  Now, I wake up and wonder if I can even get one little thing done.  I suppose a to do list might help push and motive me.   I wonder if I can motive myself to sit and write one everyday..LOL.  

Then yesterday I threw my lower back out.  It hurts.  I've never really had back problems but twice within the last six months my back has gone out.  That's all I need is a slipped disc. 

DD came down last night to watch the superbowl.  I made some little hot doggie things.  I cut bite size pieces of hotdogs and wrapped them in dough and we dipped them in mustard.  It was good and I will probably make them again. 

I have a cat that lives next door.  Strange, I know.  My neighbor said the cat is not doing so well and now I have to make an appointment to take her to the vet.  The cat is twelve years old, too. 

Until later...