Do People Still Make Money on Blogspot?

 I was wondering.  This used to be 'the' forum back in the day.  People making money on their blogs but I never knew how to do it.  I would love to start making some money, though.  I guess I would have to decide what type of blog I really wanted it to be.  I'm more of a daily, family, diary type blogger, though.  I write what I know.  

We were blessed with our second grandaughter last May.  Being grandparents is not something you can describe.  One doesn't understand what it's like being a parent until they are one.  Same with grandparenting.  You just don't realize the love you have for grandchildren until they arrive and it's a love you didn't know you had in you.  I always wanted to live on a piece of property where all my children and I could live so we'd be close to each other, but that didn't work out.  We aren't too far from each other, but it would be nice to have the grandkids run next door to your house, you know?    Well, at least I think it would.  They do have a lot of energy, though, where my energy is about run out.  I understand old people now.

I was thinking it would be fun to put some photos on here about the clothes I made when I was a teenager.  I don't sew hardly at all anymore.  I was a passion of mine, but like all things and especially after my vertigo it's been hard focusing my eyes.  And when I was younger, it was a challenge, something to be proud of to finish your work, your art, but now I guess I've done it so much that it feels more like a chore.  As sad as that is to say...  I mean, it is sad to say that something that sparked or motivated you now feels humdrum and a big chore to do.  I just don't have the brain power anymore.  

In fact, over the last eight years I have found life in general very difficult.  Having to pick up the slack for hubby who, remember, broke himself up and lost his job has taken a huge toll on me.  I know I am not the only spouse in this world turning into a caregiver.  And when you say your vows when you are in your twenties and the whole world is at your feet, you'd say yes to anything.  But when it comes right down to it, caregiving sucks the life out of you.  And it has me.

Last September 27th, on my son's birthday, we had our Maddee put to sleep.  She was having liver issues and vets thought it was cancer.  She stopped eating, too.  I still haven't gotten over it.  My son bought me a wrist band with Maddee's picture on it and I haven't taken it off since.  I still love looking at her and every night wishing I could hear her paw prints coming down the hallway.  Her death has really affected me.  It feels like I have lost another child.  I had Maddee two years longer than my own daughter.  Maddee gave us such joy and happiness.  I hope to see her again when I die.  Sitting there with my other family members....that would be great joy!

I didn't want another dog.  But hubby kept saying 'if we get another dog' and I kept saying no we aren't but then he'd say her name will be Betsy.  Ugh....how do I find a space in my heart for another dog.  It will feel like I am replacing my Maddee Girl.  But I went online looking for Beagles and I found one that was three hours from our house.  Her name was Birdie.  She is a Beagle/Blue Tick.  Her mom was a beagle but her dad was a mix of blue tick hound x.  I was hoping she'd have the traits of a beagle but she doesn't have much.  She is quite different than Maddee.  She has eased her way into my heart but Maddee still lives there.  She the original owners called her Birdie.  We call her Betsy.  

We build this little porch for her so hubby can let her out of his room in the mornings and she loves standing on it looking into the woods.  It's been a big change for us.  Life changes, doesn't it??  I suppose if it didn't one would never grow.  

I am scared about the future.  With hubby in his 70's now and I'm close to it, it is scary to think about the end of your life.  Not scared of death per se, but just that one of us is going to be left behind and how will we deal with it.  Our papers are in order but being old and alone is so sad.  And then there is upkept on the house which we can barely do now so then you have to find money to hire people and hope they can do the job you want them to do.  

The last two years I have garden much.  We made an area for me to but my heart just hasn't been into it.  It hurts when I bend down.  I've looked into raised beds with legs but they are so expensive.  Even trying to make them would not be cost effective.  And it's not like I am a master gardener.  I do grow potatoes which is kinda cool.  Whever I get some bad potatoes I just throw them in my little garden area and a couple of months later I have new potatoes.  I love it.  It's easy and I don't have to do much to maintain them.  

Just wanted to update here a little bit.  Until next time,

Blessings,

Bev

I Don't Know What the Title Should Be!

 I wish I could stay with the same font.  Why do I have to keep changing it?  It doesn't look nice when I do that.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year has come and gone.  Time speeds up when you get old.  People used to tell me that but it was a hard concept to accept because I was young and had things to do.  Now, I don't have much to do these days.  Cleaning and cooking is about it.  I mean, just regular chores to do.  It is February right now and people are starting to grow garden plants indoor now so they will be ready for planting come March or April depending on where you are.  I have thought about it but just not there yet in my mind.  I have asked hubby to draw plans for the garden this year but he never did even though I asked him a million times.  Finally, I had to sit down and do it and of course he had to put his two cents in {because he didn't want to do it unless I started planning it then he had ideas!}  Good grief.  I think I have an idea how I'm gonna do it, but you know best laid plans.  Haha.  

Sometimes I wonder what is a blog unless you add photos.  Who wants to always read....personally, I like looking at other people's lives.  But my phone is so crowded with pictures now it doesn't work half the time.  Honestly, I do not like this digital world.  I miss bringing your camera long, take pictures, put them in for development, pick the up and surprise....there they are.  Now you have to download pictures off your phone onto the computer {if you can get it to work}, put them on a thumb drive {if you can get it to work} take them to a place to have them printed out {if you have enough ink at home to do it yourself} wait for them and hope they came out ok.  Or as most people do today they just store the thumb drives and never look at them again.  Sad.  

Hubby to went to a motorcycle meeting today.  It feels so normal that I am here by myself.  It feels good and scary at the same time.  The last two days I have been feeling pretty good as far as my dizzy, vestibular goes.  I even caught myself singing yesterday and today...I haven't done that in ages.  Wow, the old me popped up.  LOL 

I have been trying to stay with a budget..using my Everydollar app.  Two months down...I did it.  Let's hope I don't fall of the wagon.  It's an easy to way to keep track of your spending and bills.  I enjoy it.  Using cash envelopes for things we might need.  We do pay the oil from our cash envelope but we also have to write a check, too.  I will need to step up the oil fund I think.  I haven't been able to put anything away for our property taxes which is a bummer.  

Just wanted you to know I am still here.  Hopefully, I will pay more attention to you blog.

Blessings,

Bev

  

Today

 There is so much to write about, yet there isn't.  Day after day life is the same.  Nothing changes.  Well, sometimes things change but they really aren't happy changes.  At least not in my life.

Since my last entry I have been sick with upper respiratory infections a couple more times.  I feel like this is going to be my life now.  On top of being diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis, vertigo my health is going downhill in a hay basket as they say.  I don't even know what a hay basket is.

So, food prices have gone sky high so we decided to start going to the food bank.  I was embarrassed at first, but I'm not now.  Well, I didn't actually go, hubby went.  He reported back one day that there was a man who went to the food bank to get food for his chickens and dog.  Seriously?  He also reported that people in BMW's were showing up getting food.  Now in my day, food banks were for people who absolutely were poor and needed food.  I have given to the food banks in my younger days thinking I was helping very poor people.  Not so today.  We have been eating food bank meals for a couple of months.  It's okay.  We are still having a hard time paying the bills.  It's really tough.  I don't have any clue how people who get less than us are doing it.  I truly feel for them.

So it's almost Thanksgiving.  We've been invited to two places and I haven't rsvped either one.  Part of me wants to go, but my other half is saying stay home.  I'm afraid being around people will make me sick again.  And my anxiety of getting ready, getting there, socializing, then getting home and worrying about ibs attacks or other bodily function attacks it just makes it all worse thinking about it.  I so want to be a part of the family, yet anxiety makes it so difficult.  And nobody seems to understand at all, which makes it even worse because I have nobody that sympathizes with me....not like a mother would.  

We hired tree people to cut some huge branches off the trees in the back yard.  The yard looks open now...I like it.  We still have to get another tree cut but it will have to wait unless it falls on the house before then...which won't be good.  

Since winter is coming I can already feel depression setting in.  Wish I was like a bear and just slept the winters away.  I wonder what bears think when they wake up in the spring.  Do they dream during their long winter slumbers?  I read that bears thyroids slow down during winter which is the reason they go to sleep.  If human doctors would take advise from the animals humans could probably be cured of so many things.  How is it that animal medicine is top notch but human medicine isn't?  I don't know.

I guess that's all for now.

Blessings,

Bev 

Just an Update With Some Thoughts

 So many times I thought about writing something here, but then I'd get so tired and my brain just wouldn't work.  It used to be my thyroid that kept me from doing things because I'd be so tired, but I believe my vestibular issues are the root of the problem now.  My eyes are the only thing keeping me vertical and in the middle of the day my eyes get so tired, too.  I guess I have to realize that these bodies of ours are dying little by little and things go wrong.  But it's so sad that we can't replace or grow new parts so we can live forever.  

This is what my plants are saying to me!

This year I was not planning on putting in a vegetable garden.  But DH said do it because it's one thing I enjoy doing....yes, I do, but when plants don't grow it's really frustrating.  I spend so much money getting dirt and so much time and physical labor, yet here we are almost July and nothing!  I am the worse gardner..I'm telling you.  I'm pretty sure I bought the wrong kind of dirt.  I'm just too tired to care about it anymore.  I was all for it in the beginning, but I'm tired and just don't care.  If the stores run out of food, I think we might starve to death.  I don't have that much in storage, although I am trying to build a stockpile.  *sigh*

The last entry I made I was telling you how sick I was.  After I got over bronchitis, I got a sinus infection.  And then, our granddaughter gave us the stomach flu.  DH was really sick from it, I felt bad, but didn't get it as bad as he did.  And last week, granddaughter caught the hand foot and mouth disease.  Her temp got up to 103.3! I felt so bad for her.  I think she is better now.  She is going to the beach this weekend with her parents and other grandparents.  

And guess who broke another bone??  DH!  Broke a bone in his heel.  doctor wants him to stay in a wheelchair for 8 to 10 weeks! And I am suppose to push him around in it according to dh, according to dr.  Don't even get me started on that one.  

We don't rv since we had to sell it and we don't ride our motorcycles since dh can't do that anymore.  And since his lost his job due to his broken leg we don't have any funds left over to do much of anything.  It's really sad.  I could never believe life could be so boring.  Everyday it's the same thing.  I wash dishes, cook and do laundry.  We go nowhere.  Oh, and gas prices are so high who can afford to just drive around with no reason?  

I guess this is all I gotta say for now.

Blessings,

Bev

    

I am Better But Not There Yet

A week ago last Saturday I was sick and decided I needed medical attention.  I went to a CVS “walk-in” clinic, signed in with the computer only to have it say on the last screen ‘we have no more appointments.”  Appointments?  Why is this called a walk-in clinic if you have to make an appointment?  So I drove miles out of my way to visit another CVS clinic only to have the same thing happen.  Let me tell you, I couldn’t stop coughing by this time.  I was sick.  A block from this CVS was an urgent care so I pulled into the parking lot and it was basically empty.  I thought it might have been closed.  But I went to check anyway and it was open!  I walked up to the receptionist only to have her tell me they were appointment only that day, but I guess me coughing and hacking so bad she felt sorry for me and took me in.  I was so grateful.  The PA that checked me out said I had bronchitis and wheezing.  Oh wow..I was sicker than I thought I was.  She gave me four prescriptions.  Did I say I was so grateful.  On my drive to pic up my prescriptions I got to coughing so bad I was vomiting and couldn’t stop.  I thought I was gonna have to pull over to the side of the road, but I pushed on.  When I got to CVS to pick up my prescriptions they weren’t ready and I had to wait 45 minutes.  Now it was an hour drive from the urgent care to the CVS.  Then I waited another 45 minutes.  Then after I got my prescriptions I was walking down the aisle, I looked into my bag and one prescription was not in there!  OMGsh...I had to go back into the line and wait, all the while coughing and hacking and feeling like I was gonna throw up.  I know Jesus got me through all that.  When I got home I couldn’t stop coughing and spent the night throwing up and coughing.  I told my cat if I died that night please don’t eat me.  Well, I did make it to the next morning.  Praise God!  

I haven’t babysat my grand baby for almost two weeks.  That’s how long this nasty virus has hung on.  Even now, I’m still coughing, but not nearly as bad.  I think I will start my inhaler and hope that takes care of this tail end of this virus.  I was reading that the normal flu/cold viruses are gonna hang onto us a lot longer because we have been washing our hands so much that we now have no immunity to even the smallest of bugs.  I believe that.  We have jeopardized our immune system.  

It is October 2021 now.  I’m usually keen on decorating for the seasons, but I just haven’t felt it this year.  We have little to no extra money.  I still gotta get dog food which costs a lot.  

Right now life feels a tiny bit normal.  Donald is out on his tractor (I’m still scared he is gonna fall) and I am here typing on my blog.  It feels good to have a moment to collect my thoughts and just now have to be on high alert every second.  Although in the back of my mind I know I am.  I am keeping my ears open.

I know my seasonal depression will be starting.  I have to fight through that, too.  That is why I try to do ancestry research in the winter to help me fight through the dark days.  I did find that my sixth great grandfather is a revolutionary war veteran which is cool.

I guess this is all for now.

Blessings,

Bev

A Long Overdue Update

 Since I left off last time, hubby (Donald) got home from rehab..I went and picked him up.  Basically, same routine as surgery; I watch him so he doesn’t fall and take care of his needs.  Oh what fun.  This is life now.  It sucks...I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks.  Maybe I’m not being grateful for what I have or I’m not finding the joy in all this.  I really don’t know.  I know I have become a resentful, angry, unhappy person and I don’t even like myself anymore.  I just don’t know how to fix me because I have not time for me.  I have no money for me.  

I have been through a lot in my life...the death of a child, lost embryos from infertility, panic attacks, severe depression, lost vacation with my family (because I became housebound). but somehow I managed to find my way out of those things.   And I could find joy again, but this time I am completely lost.  Maybe because I’m just older now and I really have no reason to fight.  I don’t see my life continuing into my 70’s therefore not much living time left.  It’s not a sad thing, just the way life is.  Eventually we all have to think about the end of our lives, don’t we?

So right now, I have bronchitis.  I haven’t been sick like this in a long time.  I haven’t been able to babysit our new grand baby and I miss her.  

That’s all the update for now.  I am tired.

Blessings,

Bev

I Wonder if I Broke My Rib

 

About four days ago I was in bed laying against a bunch of pillows in a sitting up position while I was reading a book.  Then all of a sudden I sorta heard a pop, then everything inside my body shifted!!  I could feel things moving.  I have been in pain every since.  I wonder if I broke my rib.  From what I read about rib breaking it says I wouldn’t be able to breathe, but I can.  But I’m having pain and muscle soreness right where everything felt like it shifted.  Like I don’t have enough going on in my life and now I have to deal with this.  Why???

Just had to come here and complain.  

Blessings,

Bev

Grief-Mourning Even When Someone is Alive

 

I didn’t think I would feel so alone when hubby went into the hospital this time.  But I felt even worse.  I felt like I was in mourning.  I felt alone, lost; like I would if my hubby was forever gone!  Most other times when he would be in the hospital, yes, I was alone, but we knew it would be for such and such a time and he would be home, but this time around it’s not the case.  We knew it was gonna be for a long haul. 

The feeling is horrible.  In a flash, life changes forever.  And I’m not talking about for the good, either.  See, I went right from my dad’s house to getting married, so I never lived on my own.  I always had someone there to “take care of me.”  Not that I can’t take care of myself (but honestly, I never had to), so it’s quite a change now in my mid 60’s I have to face taking care of not only myself, but my pets, the house, maintenance....I don’t know how to do all that.

This post sounds like I’m all over the place which I am.  When things like this happens there are no routines.  Everything is a big jumbled mess.  You try to get through the day and so glad when night comes cause I can just go to bed and not think about anything.  It’s waking up in the morning when it’s all a reality again and I have to fight my way through the day.

I guess what I am saying is that hubby and I had a life that was fun and now like overnight it is all gone and our lives are about hospitals, medical procedures, hospital bills, not enough money and on and on.  There are no golden years.  That’s a myth..one big fat lie.

This morning hubby had his ankle surgery.  After five hours, he is just now getting to recovery.  I am not with him.  He is in a hospital an hour away and with my vertigo I haven’t been able to drive that far.  And so now I depend on the hospital staff to take care of hubby.  Dear God, please put caring people around hubby.  God, please use your powers to bring hubby home to us, because I’m scared this time.   I’m really scared.

Did I mentioned the hospital hubby was at when he first broke his ankle wanted to cut off his foot?  Yes, and we were ready to have that done because those doctors didn’t give us hope of any kind.  But God did a miracle and hubby’s brother’s stepdaughter was able to contact hubby’s ortho dr who got him transferred to her hospital and gave us hope.  Now we wait and see.  

Blessings,

Bev

Life at Green House Homestead

 

I am pretty sure that somewhere in my past posts I mentioned that hubby broke his leg in 2017.  He had to have at least four surgeries. He had to have a special type of knee replacement, too.  Long story short after all those years, he was finally walking with a cane and going to therapy.  He even started driving himself!  It was too good to be true, though.  Yes it was.

On April 1st (I think it was) it was a rainy day.  Hubby had therapy to go to.  He was driving himself there, but I asked him if he wanted me to drive him.  I was kinda scared his truck would slid in the rain.  I asked him and asked him, but he said, ‘no, I can do it.’  My inner gut said to take him but, honestly, I wanted to give him some independence and I wanted a couple of hours to myself since we are together 24/7 now.  So hubby went out the door.  A few minutes later my phone rang.  It was hubby!  “Can you come out to the truck and help me?”  Well, that’s weird, he never had trouble before getting into the truck.  I looked out the window and he was sitting in the truck with his legs hanging out.  I got my coat on and walked out to the truck.  I looked down at his foot and it was horizontal to his leg!!  I looked at him and he asked me why his foot was crooked.  I asked him if he fell and he said yes.  I told him he broke his foot (ankle).  OMGsh.  I was in shock.  There was no way I could get him into my car to take him to the hospital.  I had to call the ambulance.

I walked (sprinted) into the house.  I dialed 911.  I was on hold for about four minutes.  It was unbelievable.  Finally when the operator answered the phone I told her the situation.  She said she’d send someone out.  I hung up with her and went back outside, in the pouring rain and waited with hubby for the ambulance to arrive.  And waited, and waited and waited.  Finally I dialed the number to our local fire department.  I was going to ask them if they had been dispatched yet.  Just as I dialed the number the ambulance arrived without lights or siren, I might add.  What the heck???  

They get hubby on the stretcher.  The take him into the ambulance to access him.  I’m still standing in the rain.  I call our kids.  Finally the ambulance guy comes out to let me know which hospital they are taking him to.  I wasn’t happy.  

That night the doctors tried to put him hubby’s ankle back together.  Not only did he break his ankle in three places, he broke his leg in the shin bone area underneath where his pole is in his leg.  They tried putting a halo on his ankle to steady it.  Then he came home in a so called ambulance.  The next day his halo was bleeding all over the place.  It was awful.

A week later I take hubby to doctor for his checkup.  Doctor tells us the halo is broken and hubby has to be admitted to the hospital right now to have more surgery.  I felt my heart drop into my stomach.  The panic attack/anxiety has started.  This is unbelievable.  

So right now, hubby has been in the hospital almost a week.  He will have to have more surgery.  We have tried getting in touch with Dr. Janet Conway/Benjamin Chartier at Sinai Hospital in Baltimore where hubby had his complicated knee surgery, but they have not called us back.  I emailed Ben, hubby left message with secretary and I even texted the doctor.

I guess we are on our own now.  Here we go again.  I think I must cry in my sleep because it feels like my eyes are swollen when I wake up.  Of course I am still dizzy and so off balance and lately I’m even feeling nauseated again.  

When I came home from the hospital last Friday, Maddee was not walking on her left hind leg.  Her hair is falling out again.  Why does everything happen at once.  I am not strong anymore to deal with all this stuff.  I’m not. I’m so overwhelmed.  

Now I’m back to having to take care of everything.  The grass is growing up so high it’s terrible.  I am trying to be good to myself but it’s hard.  So much to think about.

That’s all for now.  

Blessings,

Bev

Can I Please Get a Little Validation?

To tell you the truth, I don’t even know where to begin.  Seems like my life is one big jumbled up mess.  It’s not fault of my own, really.  I don’t have a personality where I go with the flow; that I see everything as happy, although I know some people like that and I truly envy them.  I see the glass half full instead of being grateful for having anything in my glass at all.  I have no idea why I am like that.  I think it stems from somewhere in my childhood.  I think I must have felt, being a third child, that I got the short end of the stick most times.  Don’t get me wrong, my parents did they best they could with what they knew, but I think I wanted to be nurtured more.  We never really got hugs growing up or “I love your” but my parents provided for us, never forgot a holiday, had wonderful birthdays.  Maybe I was just a needy kid, I don’t know, but I know I’ve carried a lot of that needy stuff with me into adulthood.  Or maybe I feel like my feelings don’t get validated....yeah, that’s it.  I have no one to just say to me, “I see how you feel and I’m sorry things aren’t better for you.”  I just want validatation. 

I don’t remember where I left off in my last post.  My husband had undergone five operations for a knee replacement.  It was a long haul, but finally in March 2021, I started to let him drive.  Yes, it was up to me.  It was so nice to see him being able to go on his own.  He was driving himself to therapy.  He even went to the store a few times and brought home dinner (going through the drive thru, of course).  I had a few hours to myself (finally!).  Things were getting back to a normal routine.  And then it happened!!!

Last Thursday on April Fool’s Day it was raining.  Donald was to go to therapy that day.  I asked him a hundred times if he wanted me to drive him.  I was worried about his truck sliding in the rain...maybe he couldn’t put enough pressure on the brake pedal to stop.  He insisted he could drive himself but I had an underlying feeling I should take him.  But he said no and my wanting a few hours to myself kicked in and so I let him go out on his own.  That was a huge mistake.  

So husband walked out the front door.  I was watching tv and crocheting.  Then my cellphone rings.  It’s him.  “Can you come out to the truck?  I need some help.”  Okay, I thought.  I looked out the window.  He was sitting in his truck with his legs on the ground.  That’s weird.  I get my coat on, go outside.  I look down at his feet.  I looked up at him.  He says, “look at my foot.  It’s not straight.”  Yeah, I noticed that when I looked at hit.  I asked him, “did you fall?”  He said, “I slipped.”  I said, “you broke your ankle.”  His food was parallel  to his body.  And immediately I knew hell had arrived again.  It couldn’t have been raining any harder.  We were getting soaked.  “I have to call the ambulance,”. I said.  There was no way I could get him into my car to take him to the hospital.  So I went into the house to use the house phone.  I called 911.  The had me on hold for about four minutes....unreal!  When I finally gave them all my info, I went back outside to wait with husband.  And we waited and waited and waited...good grief, where are they??  After about 10 minutes, I dialed my local fire department to see if they had been dispatched yet.  As soon as I dialed the number husband said, ‘here they come.”  And that began our road to hell again.  Or mainly, my road to hell.

Maybe this post is a pitiful me story.  I just know that my life has been taking care of family and hospitals.  Going back to my teen years, I didn’t really have to take care of my grandma, but we did do a lot of things for her.  My grandfather had died and my grandma broke her hip.  My mom did the best she could for grandma, but eventually, she had to live in a home.  I would drive over to the home to get grandma for holidays at mom’s house or go visit grandma.  

Then mom got sick.  She got diabetes and heart disease.  She had heart attacks and bypass surgery.  Sometimes I would take her to her doctor appointments.  At this point in my life I was married.  In February 1981, my mom had bypass heart surgery.  My aunt came from Florida to take care of her.  My dad was working so it was hard on him.  Then in March 1981 while my mom was recovering, husband fell off a ladder at work and broke his left hip.  I had a 1 year old and a 6 month old I was taking care of.  Then I had husband to take care of.  That was a long haul.  

In 1983 my daughter started complaint of stomach pains.  We had her at Children’s Hospital every night for weeks.  They couldn’t find anything wrong with her.  Long story short, I had the pediatrician test her for cystic fibrosis and she tested positive.  That was devastating.  Knowing my baby had a fatal disease was unbearable.  She had to have checkups every sick weeks, hospitals stays, home therapy..but I did it because she was my baby.  She died in 1992 when she was 12 years old.

Husband started shaving ulcers on his toes/feet that would never stop bleeding.  He would get infections and have to be hospitalized.  Eventually he had his toes amputated.  Then he’d get another ulcer.  He even had to go into a decompression chamber to heal one.  

And in 2017 husband broke his knee.  I think I made a post about that, but it’s been a nightmare.  Hospitalizations, home ivs, bedridden, therapy...for over four years, non stop.  So you ca probably see why when he finally got to drive it was wonderful.  But that was short lived.  

So now in April of 2021, here we are again.  He broke his ankle in three places and dislocated it.  He has a halo thing around it and is bedridden again.  And so all the chores of taking care of the house/yard, the pets, the cleaning, the painting, the repairs are back on my shoulders.  

And that is why my health is going downhill so fast. Everyday I feel I’m falling deeper and deeper into a pit that I will never come back from.  I keep trying to get up everyday and continue on, but it’s so very hard when this has been your life basically....and I just wanna escape from it.  Where’d I go and what I would do is beyond me.  But this life is no fun.

A hug would be nice from someone.  Just to validate that I am doing a good job.  Some encouragement would be appreciated, too.  That’s all I really want.  

I am glad it is spring.  I can sit outside on the porch.  It gets me away from the ‘hospital room’ in the basement where the patient waits to be feed.  I just hope that God will say I was a good and faithful servant, but even that worries me that I haven’t done enough.  I know grace isn’t given because of work, but I still feel like I don’t measure up.  I try, then I failed and I throw in the towel.  I ask myself what is the use?  How many times can a person keep trying??

I better go check on my patient.

Blessings!

How Can It Be Well With My Soul?

                                                                         

Do you know that old church song "It Is Well With My Soul?"  How can that really be?  The history of that song was written by a man who lost his wife and daughter, yet he is saying all is well with his soul.  I don't buy it.  

My Katrina passed away on November 1, 1992.  I know what losing a child feels like.  My soul was not well then and it still isn't well all these years later.  October, cold weather, dark days and the anniversary of her death depresses me.  

And now that I also have health issues, I wake up most days wondering if I will have another dizzy attack and tell God things are not well with my soul.  I have no deep happiness anymore...don't feel like smiling, don't feel like laughing, don't feel like doing much of anything.  I have nothing to look forward to and since hubby has had leg problems for the last three years I've had to be the one taking care of most everything and it's a heavy, heavy burden for me.  I know some people could get through it, but I'm not one of them.  

I have a cat that won't use the liter box.  This does not sit well with my soul, either.  I'm tired.  Bending over makes me dizzy.  

I worry about money, paying the bills, home repairs.  Because I'm the one who has to take care of those things.  And it has never been me who had to take care of those things.  It has always been hubby.

I do try to have a happy day...I do, but the minute I wake up there's always a crisis.  And I try not to look backwards, you know when things were so happy and fun, but there are times I just can't help it.  I miss my kids.  I miss holidays that were magical because of the kids excitement.  I miss my youth.  I miss having the energy to do things.

Yes, I'm having a pity party.  

I heard on a Christian radio station of how you can have joy even when things are not good in your life.  I find that an oxymoron or I just don't have what those talking about it have.  Maybe something deep in my soul is missing.  I don't know.  

Okay, that's all I have for now.  

Blessings,

Bev

There Was This House

I live on a main highway that runs from Delaware to Florida.  But I’m gonna write about this one brick house that I would pass everyday taking my kids to school or going shopping.  When I was a young mom the brick house had life.  Although,  I don’t remember kids playing in the yard.  In fact, I don’t even remember seeing people out in the yard. But I know people lived there because at night there were lights on in all the rooms of the house.  Driving by that house I sometimes imagined a family living there that might be like mine.  But because there were lights on in the kitchen of that house, lights on in the living room and even the bedroom I knew a family of more than one person lived there.  

However, as time went on I noticed that the lights in that house weren’t on in some of the rooms as before.  The lights eventually were only on in the living room.  That made me very sad because I knew that there must have been a change in that house.  No longer were there lights on in each room of the house but instead only one light on in the living room.  Which to me meant that the family moved out (the kids) or a spouse had died and only one person was left in that house.  Then sooner than later, I noticed that no longer was the living room light on, it was the bedroom light and the rest of the house was dark.  How sad.   Now this lone person was no longer watching tv in their living room, but is in the bedroom, sick, maybe?  I had thoughts about this person bedridden....maybe they gave up on life.  And that made me think how my life was probably heading in that same direction.  But at the time, I was raising children; I had places to go and lots to do and loneliness was far off.

Fast forward to right now.  In my house, no longer are all the lights on in the house.  Hubby and I mostly ‘live’ in only one or two rooms and not the whole house anymore.  Our lights have gone out, too.  Our kids have moved on to their own lives.  And here I am in my house with only one or two lights on.  No longer do we use a lot of the rooms in our house.  We have limited income and so we try to keep the electric bill down but really there is no reason to be in the other rooms of the house.  How sad.  

Now that I am where I am in life, I think more and more of that house where the lights eventually were only on in the bedroom.  And how sad life can be as people get older as friends and family pass on, kids start living their own lives.  

A few years ago, development moved in to where that house was.  The house was knocked down to make way for a drug store.  Now when I got by that spot it’s even more sad as I think of that place where a family lived, but slowly fizzled out and poof was gone.  

It reminds me that life is so important; to let those you love know you love them.  We are for only a season then poof we are gone.

Not a Great Week

Having this terrible balance disorder is more than I can deal with sometimes.  A week or so ago I was doing okay; I was still wobbly and off balance, but I managed it.  This past week has been awful.  I feel as if I’m getting worse and not better.  I wanted to cry today and I hardly ever feel that way.  I know that other people have this disorder much worse than I do and I am so grateful for the things I can do, but I just want to be normal and have my old life back.  I don’t want to be old and sick.  I feel like so many people on a spiritual level asking God why me.  I was asking that, too when my precious daughter passed away.  Why was I the only one in family and friends who had a chronically sick child who died?  Why me?  Now I’m asking the same question..why was I hit with this imbalance disorder and no one else?  Okay, I take that back.  I know a couple of people who have an inner ear problem, but they are living their lives..okay, so I’m still living, but not like I used to.  I’m miserable feeling like someone is pushing me all the time or that I’m falling when I lay down to go to sleep.  My brain gets so tired of trying to compensate.  I even get rapid heartbeats because my brain things something is wrong and it’s trying to send reinforcements.  My hand shakes so bad now trying to write.  I’m so tired.  

I’ll be going into my 10th month with this.  I never believed I would have this so long.  I thought therapy would do the trick, but nope.  There is a group called Wobblers.  They were given the ‘myicins’ drug and it damaged their inner ear hairs.  They have no balance and I think something damaged mine, too.  I pray God makes me better...heals me in fact, but it hasn’t happened.  I pray every night..okay, maybe I skip here and there.  But why can’t He heal me...why not me?

I have so much to take care of since hubby broke his leg and can’t bend it.  I do most everything including heavy lifting.  Me and my dog have hypothyroid and now I found out my cat has hyperthyroid.  I feel overwhelmed....just dealing with it all.

That’s all for now..

Blessings.

My LIfe Changed (again) in October 2019

I touched on this subject in an earlier post.  But I want to really ‘touch” on the subject.  On October 6, 2019 I went to bed a normal, ‘happy’ person.  Life had been a real challenge since Donald broke his knee.  But I was coping to say the least.  But maybe subconsciously I really wasn’t.  Anyway, I went to bed, went to sleep then just hours later my eyes shot open, the room was spinning and I really thought I was having a stroke.  What else could it be?  I felt like vomiting, so I rushed to the bathroom as fast I could considering the room was spinning.  As I was vomiting, I collapsed on the floor and told Donald I did not feel well.  He called 911, the ambulance came and took me to the ER. They told me I have vertigo.  I had no clue what that really entailed other than I knew my aunt had a ‘case’ of it.  She did some head/neck exercises and never had it again.  Okay, I thought to myself.  My aunt got through this so I can, too. I went to my family doctor to advise me what I should do.  He was no help.  I asked if I should go the an ent and he told me if I wanted I could.  So I did.  I made an appointment with the ent, assured he could give me meds or advise or something and then I’d be over this.  He told me to go to vestibular therapy.  And I had to have some hearing tests.  In the end after many visits to him and many tests, he was stumped...he didn’t know what is wrong with me.  The vestibular therapist told me I didn’t have a balance issue and dismissed me.  Then I went to the neurologist who said I had vestibular neuritis...but he was sure.  He ordered an mri...and when he looked at the results he said he wasn’t sure what I had as the brain scan was clear...well, all for a couple of blood vessels that were closed off....old age.

I went to eye dr who says I have some problems with my eyes, like convergency and some other stuff and I’m in vision therapy.  Then I saw and ent from the University of Maryland and he said he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me.  

Weeks after I had my vertigo attack I felt as if I was walking on a boat...it was horrible.  Not being able to stand or walk, no balance....who can live like that?  Then days later I got on my computer and had another dizzy attack.  I felt to the floor.  I was yelling for Donald but he went outside so our wonderful dog, Maddee came and sat by my side.  I was yelling and crying...wondering if my life was gonna be like this forever now.  How can I find a solution to this if the doctors have no clue?

For a couple of months after this I would have dizzy spells that would knock me into the doors..or I could get up out of bed.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Really, really sick.  I had a friend who told me what to take to help with the nauseated stomach.  But the worse parts of all this was that I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t walk right..  

After the boat feeling went away the trampoline sensation came along.  It wasn’t so much I was on the boat anymore as it was I was walking on a trampoline.  Horrible.  How can I live the rest of my life like this??

I needed answers...I went to facebook groups, which when I started looking for vestibular groups, I was shocked to find so many people dealing with this.  Every day for years some have reported.  How is this possible and nobody has ever heard about it except those who are dealing with it?  I became a member of a new group....the group of vestibular people.  There are also people dealing with being permanently injuries from having ‘myicin’ toxicity...like gentamicin.  Those medications actually kill off the little hairs in the vestibular system and make people off balance..crippling them.  

So where am I at now 8 mos later....I’m better, but not much.  I still can walk straight.  I can’t stand without feeling like I’m falling over.  I need to sit to feel still.  

I have an invisible disease....I pray to God to please heal me.  But I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if He will...it makes me sad.  Why do I have to live like this??

I still am scared I will have a vertigo attack. And since I’m the only driver, I worry I might have a dizzy spell when I’m driving.  

There is an organization called Veda.  Their ‘symbol’ is the flamingo.  I asked someone why a flamingo and they told me because flamingos balance on one leg...it is symbolic of what we can’t do....something like that.  Or maybe we strive to balance on one leg..which most of us can’t do now.  So much we can’t do.

Blessings!

Thirty Year Mystery Solved (sort of)

My mom passed away in 1989.  Don’t know how long after that my sister told me mom had been married before!  I was shocked.  This opened up so many questions.  Who was she married to?  When did she get divorced...why?  Do I have any half siblings?  My sister didn’t know.  In fact, my sister suspected she might not be my dad’s...maybe she was the daughter of the first husband.  It rocked my world.  It was almost as shocking as finding out you’re adopted, I would think.  The world you knew and grew up it was a farse.  Or at least a half farse.  That’s how I felt and continued to feel all these thirty-some years.

A short time after this ‘news’ was revealed my brother and I  started to investigate.  One day when dad wasn’t home we got into the important papers in the desk, the papers we were never allowed to see.  And there we discovered some clues, although I can’t remember what clues we found.  We were always told my parents got married in Pennsylvania so my brother decided he would drive there to get a copy of my parent’s marriage license.  And when he saw it he called and confirmed that mom had indeed been married before because the license said she was divorced.  And it even gave the divorce date.  It was still shocking to me. I don’t really know how the other siblings took it but it just shocked me.  So started my search for her first husband.

We asked my mom’s sister about this newly discovered information and she said she didn’t know anything about her being married before.  Granted, my aunt was 17 years older, but I’m pretty sure my grandmother would had informed my aunt what my mom did at the age of 17.  So my aunt denied everything.  I asked my father’s sisters but they couldn’t remember anything because they were just kids at the time.  Nobody was talking; it was hush hush.  And that made me even more determined to get to the bottom of this.

My younger brother ran into a friend of my mother’s.  He asked her some questions about mom’s first marriage.  She gave some info, but she said she wasn’t sure if it was true.  And with that info I tried looking up who this first husband was and I did get some clues but nothing was confirmed.  I had no way to confirm anything.

I felt like until somebody would tell the truth I would never know who and why mom married before.  This was in 1949 or 1950...some seventy years ago.  But the way mom and dad brought us up was contradictory to the way they lived their lives before us kids.  I had to know why.

When I lived at home we have a bunch of photo albums we kept in the book shelf.  There were a few of mom when she was a teenager, but one in particular I was always curious about.  She was standing with this teenage boy and they were on the sidewalk in what looks like Washington, D.C.  Mom is holding some packages and I’m sure a street photographer took their picture.  When I’d ask mom who the guy was she said a friend.  Hmmmm....

So when mom died I was the keeper of family genealogy and old photos.  And that photo sat in my drawer all these years.  Every once in a while I’d take it out more to look at how young mom was than to figure out who her friend was.  It was a simple time in those years..the 1950’s.

I have always been interested in genealogy.  When you think about all your grandparents...if circumstances hadn’t been what they were none of us would be here.  So years ago I signed up for Ancestry.  I used it for awhile, then I wouldn’t then I’d go back to it.  Then not long ago I got an email from a cousin who said she did a dna test and that she found new cousins.  And she confirmed some things she had been wondering about.  Well, that prompted me to get back to Ancestry and see if I could find any new information about my ancestors.  I already had my family tree set up so I hint leave was on my mom’s name.  I clicked it on and up popped my mom social security index with three names on it.  That never happened before.  I have seen her as index but the one name that popped up with it was never on there before....but lo and behold it was the name of the person I suspected may had been mom first husband.  OMGosh I was so excited.  I got into a drawer where I kept mom’s things and pulled out her 1948 yearbook.  I scrolled through it and there were references to this boy in her own handwriting.  And his sister, too.  I believed I was onto something here.

After some more detective work and finding the name of the boy I believed to be mom’s first husband, I put his name into Ancestry and a family tree popped up with him in it!  I emailed the lady who made the tree and asked her a few questions about this person who I suspected had been married to mom.  She confirmed every question so I knew it was all correct.  She emailed me saying that they had a picture of a woman and her grandfather and suspected it could have been his first wife or a girlfriend, they didn’t know.  I asked her if she could email the picture, she did.  I cannot tell her the feeling I got when I saw my mother in that picture.  To think that some stranger family was wondering the same thing about who the woman in that picture was with their grandfather like I was wondering who’s mom ‘boy’ friend was in the picture in my drawer.  And the boy in the picture she sent me looked like the boy in the picture in my drawer.  So I sent her my picture and asked her if that was her grandfather and she confirmed it was.  Now we know who mom was married to.  Although we don’t have a marriage license or divorced record yet because all the state offices are closed due to civid-19, when they open I’m going to go to the records department and do a search.

Now, the sister of this ‘boy’ is still alive and when her family asked her about mom and her brother she said that mom and her brother got married the day before he was to leave for the Korean War.  My mom had even lived with them, his family for awhile.  She worked at a dry cleaners.  But one day my uncle and his brother came into the dry cleaners and that’s when she met my dad.  And when her first husband came back home on leave my mom told him she wanted a divorce.  And he was heartbroken and it took him a long while to get over it.

This is why I was shocked at learning all this.  My parents raised us to tell the truth and do things right.  Yet, they did it all wrong.  See, mom got married, then met my dad and got pregnant by him while still married to the first husband, then had the baby, got divorced and ten days later married my dad.  That’s what shocks me so much.  That’s not how we were brought up.  I understand that they probably learned from their mistakes and didn’t want us to make the same ones, but they never told us their mistake..they just told us that we better, never do that (whatever it was were talking about).

My oldest sister always lived with some doubt that she belong to my dad.  She thought maybe she was the daughter of the first husband since mom had her before dad and her were married.  So she lived with that thought all her live.  My sister passed away in 2018 and it breaks my heart that she isn’t here to learn the truth and that she isn’t my half sister, she is my full sister.  She always wondered.

Here is the picture the other family had:

 

Mom must have been about 16 here I’m thinking.  I have never seen my mom so happy.  Granted, she was a teenager here, but still, I have never seen her smile like this.

Here is the picture I had:

There were not dates on the pictures so I don’t know when they were taken but this picture seems like  she was already dressing like a housewife.  However, if the story is true that they got married the day before he left for Korea, then I don’t think they were married here, but I don’t know.

If I could ask my mom one question right now it would be, ‘why did you keep this a secret from us?’  It has been more shocking to me to find out she was married after she passed than if we had grown up knowing it.  

Blessings!

Quarantine Projects

While the majority of people are staying home to rid the world of the Coronavirus {coved-19}, I’m sure closets, drawers, kids toy chests, kitchen cabinets and many more places in homes are being cleaned out.  I’m also pretty sure lawn work is getting done.  But there are some of us that have taken to our sewing machines, crochet hooks, knitting needles, cross stitch and other handcrafting items to turn out beautiful pieces of work.  

Here is a vest I sewed together.  This pattern was from the 1990’s.  I have had it for that long, but never made it.  So what better time than now to make it.  I like it and even if it’s not in style anymore I don’t care.  I’m gonna wear it anyway.

 

 

Another project I started and finished is this crochet bag made to hold my ipad and keyboard.  I was getting a bit frustrated having my keyboard in one place and my ipad in another.  So I decided it was time to make a bag to hold both together.  

 

I’ve also sewed some masks.  

 

While I still have tons of cleaning out to do, I also wanna get some of my long list of handcraft projects done.  And as I cross off things on my list that I get accomplished, of course I add more onto the bottom!

Blessings!

He Adopted a Dog!

Well, what a surprise!  We got a new grand-dog.  Our son knows a co-worker who brings adoptable dogs to the area so he got in touch with the co-worker to see how all that works.  Personally, I was a little surprised that my son would want another dog so soon.  But I understand he is a single guy, living by himself and his Maggy was his other half {so to speak}.  And he needs company, a companion.  My son got onto the website of adoptable dogs and Gus was one of them.  Gus was being fostered in Oakton, Va.    

On Easter Sunday, I video called my son to see how he was doing and when the video popped up my son had his camera pointed at the dog!  So that was the first thing I saw when he answered his phone. That’s why I was surprised when I saw him.  I am happy for my son.  There will be a name change from Gus to Franky.  My son is already training him to stay and shake and to stay off the furniture.  

I’m sure there will be more pictures coming.  But for now, I’m glad there is enough room in my son’s heart for another dog.  But we miss Maggy so very much.

Blessings!

We Lost Our Grand-dog

On April 4, 2020 we lost our beautiful grand-dog Maggy.  It was sudden and unexpected.  That makes it even worse in my opinion.  I mean, everything is fine, then boom, it’s not fine.  I was in my office at my desk when I heard my son come into the house.  I didn’t know he was coming over for a visit especially during the quarantine.  He’s a jokester and usually when he comes into the house he throws the office door open to try to scare me.  This time he threw the door open screaming, “she’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone.”  He held up Maggy’s collar and I didn’t know what he was saying at first.  I was thinking so fast that she ran away and he couldn’t find her but she never did that before so that didn’t make sense.  And my son was crying so hard and I knew something really terrible happened.  I got up and hugged my son until he could control his crying {broken heart} and then he sat down to tell me what happened.  He said that Maggy wouldn’t eat anything that morning and then later she couldn’t even stand up.  He called the vet and they told him to bring Maggy in.  They  did an X-ray of her stomach and found she had a tumor on her spleen that made her spleen burst and the tumor was also growing onto her heart.  There was no way to repair it.  She had to be put down.  Just writing these words makes me cry.  She was a beautiful, loving, wonderful dog.  I still can’t believe she is gone.  My son got Maggy after he came home from basic training.  She was a little puppy then.  But soon after that my son was called to go to Iraq and I kept Maggy for him until he came back.  Then he was called out again nine months later and I kept Maggy once more.  She lived with us for quite a few years.  

My son is single so Maggy was his true companion.  They were inseparable.  They hiked, went to the beach, took daily walks, everything.  And as a mom, I want to make it all better for my son and take away his broken heart but I can’t.  Here are some pictures of our beautiful girl:  

 

 

 

Life is going to be so different without her.  I’m so thankful she was a part of the our family.  

Blessings!

Some Favorite Youtubers who Have Passed

When I began watching youtube it was a whole new concept for me.  I kinda got hooked on it; watching other people’s lives.  I’m one of those who love looking into other people’s homes while driving down the street, curious as to how others live and decorate their homes.   So youtube sorta helps in that respect.  It’s sad to say that some of my favorite youtubers have passed away.  Not only is it sad, it’s quite shocking.  Death is like that isn’t it?  Even if we are prepared it’s still shocking.  But here is a list of those who I shared time with even if they didn’t know it and now will never know it.

Depression Cooking 

Clara was 93 when she passed away.  She gives us insight into what it was like living through the depression and recipes of foods her grandmother and mom used to make.

The Mills Family 

Andrea Mills was a mother of 9 children living in a small house in Wyoming.  She gave tips on organizing, sewing, homeschooling and everyday life.  Around April 2019 she starting feeling under the weather and she tried some home remedies, but after a few dr visits and then finally being admitted to the hospital it was discovered she had cancer.  Unbeknownst to her views, she was 13 weeks pregnant with her 10th child.  In August she passed away.  Tom is now left with 9 kids to raise while is grieving his wife and working and doing all the chores Andrea did.

Phyllis Stokes

Phyllis and her husband Mr. Bucky lived in South Carolina.  She made mostly cooking videos of foods from the fifties, but her and her husband also shared stories of the by-gone days.  They had a couple of poodles, too.  Last year, I can’t remember the month but Phyllis was diagnosed with cancer in the bile duct in her liver {I believe}.  A month after that in July 2019 Mr. Bucky was downstairs sleeping in his recliner and when Phyllis came downstairs to make breakfast she saw him still sleeping in the recliner.  After she made breakfast she called for him to come eat, but he didn’t answer and when she checked on him he had passed away.  Terribly sad.  Six months later in December Phyllis succumbed to her cancer.  I still can’t believe it.  When people have become a part of your day, they are sorta family...even though you don’t personally know them.

Homemade Everything

I watched this channel every now and again.  I found it through Dr. Lee’s channel “Out on the Ranch.”  Homemade Everything is Dr. Lee’s son Mark and his family.  A year or so ago Mark started having sinus issues and went to dr and long story short, he had sinus cancer.  He then had surgery to removed the tumor but it grew back fast.  It eventually went into his jaw bone and a huge tumor grew there.  But what a great attitude Mark had throughout his treatment which eventually lead him to stop treatment and live the best life he could with the time he had.  He leaves behind a wife and two little children.  

It’s so very sad not seeing these people anymore.  I so enjoyed watching them.  

Life is so short...it really is.  It goes by way too fast and trying to make the best of each situation is extremely hard sometimes, but laughter is the best medicine.  Find the funny in situations.  Laugh as much as you can and make as many memories as possible because that is all your loved will have left of you when you are gone.  

I hope you enjoy watching these channels.

Blessings!