Do you know that old church song "It Is Well With My Soul?" How can that really be? The history of that song was written by a man who lost his wife and daughter, yet he is saying all is well with his soul. I don't buy it.
My Katrina passed away on November 1, 1992. I know what losing a child feels like. My soul was not well then and it still isn't well all these years later. October, cold weather, dark days and the anniversary of her death depresses me.
And now that I also have health issues, I wake up most days wondering if I will have another dizzy attack and tell God things are not well with my soul. I have no deep happiness anymore...don't feel like smiling, don't feel like laughing, don't feel like doing much of anything. I have nothing to look forward to and since hubby has had leg problems for the last three years I've had to be the one taking care of most everything and it's a heavy, heavy burden for me. I know some people could get through it, but I'm not one of them.
I have a cat that won't use the liter box. This does not sit well with my soul, either. I'm tired. Bending over makes me dizzy.
I worry about money, paying the bills, home repairs. Because I'm the one who has to take care of those things. And it has never been me who had to take care of those things. It has always been hubby.
I do try to have a happy day...I do, but the minute I wake up there's always a crisis. And I try not to look backwards, you know when things were so happy and fun, but there are times I just can't help it. I miss my kids. I miss holidays that were magical because of the kids excitement. I miss my youth. I miss having the energy to do things.
Yes, I'm having a pity party.
I heard on a Christian radio station of how you can have joy even when things are not good in your life. I find that an oxymoron or I just don't have what those talking about it have. Maybe something deep in my soul is missing. I don't know.
Okay, that's all I have for now.
Blessings,
Bev
