How Can It Be Well With My Soul?

                                                                         

Do you know that old church song "It Is Well With My Soul?"  How can that really be?  The history of that song was written by a man who lost his wife and daughter, yet he is saying all is well with his soul.  I don't buy it.  

My Katrina passed away on November 1, 1992.  I know what losing a child feels like.  My soul was not well then and it still isn't well all these years later.  October, cold weather, dark days and the anniversary of her death depresses me.  

And now that I also have health issues, I wake up most days wondering if I will have another dizzy attack and tell God things are not well with my soul.  I have no deep happiness anymore...don't feel like smiling, don't feel like laughing, don't feel like doing much of anything.  I have nothing to look forward to and since hubby has had leg problems for the last three years I've had to be the one taking care of most everything and it's a heavy, heavy burden for me.  I know some people could get through it, but I'm not one of them.  

I have a cat that won't use the liter box.  This does not sit well with my soul, either.  I'm tired.  Bending over makes me dizzy.  

I worry about money, paying the bills, home repairs.  Because I'm the one who has to take care of those things.  And it has never been me who had to take care of those things.  It has always been hubby.

I do try to have a happy day...I do, but the minute I wake up there's always a crisis.  And I try not to look backwards, you know when things were so happy and fun, but there are times I just can't help it.  I miss my kids.  I miss holidays that were magical because of the kids excitement.  I miss my youth.  I miss having the energy to do things.

Yes, I'm having a pity party.  

I heard on a Christian radio station of how you can have joy even when things are not good in your life.  I find that an oxymoron or I just don't have what those talking about it have.  Maybe something deep in my soul is missing.  I don't know.  

Okay, that's all I have for now.  

Blessings,

Bev

There Was This House

I live on a main highway that runs from Delaware to Florida.  But I’m gonna write about this one brick house that I would pass everyday taking my kids to school or going shopping.  When I was a young mom the brick house had life.  Although,  I don’t remember kids playing in the yard.  In fact, I don’t even remember seeing people out in the yard. But I know people lived there because at night there were lights on in all the rooms of the house.  Driving by that house I sometimes imagined a family living there that might be like mine.  But because there were lights on in the kitchen of that house, lights on in the living room and even the bedroom I knew a family of more than one person lived there.  

However, as time went on I noticed that the lights in that house weren’t on in some of the rooms as before.  The lights eventually were only on in the living room.  That made me very sad because I knew that there must have been a change in that house.  No longer were there lights on in each room of the house but instead only one light on in the living room.  Which to me meant that the family moved out (the kids) or a spouse had died and only one person was left in that house.  Then sooner than later, I noticed that no longer was the living room light on, it was the bedroom light and the rest of the house was dark.  How sad.   Now this lone person was no longer watching tv in their living room, but is in the bedroom, sick, maybe?  I had thoughts about this person bedridden....maybe they gave up on life.  And that made me think how my life was probably heading in that same direction.  But at the time, I was raising children; I had places to go and lots to do and loneliness was far off.

Fast forward to right now.  In my house, no longer are all the lights on in the house.  Hubby and I mostly ‘live’ in only one or two rooms and not the whole house anymore.  Our lights have gone out, too.  Our kids have moved on to their own lives.  And here I am in my house with only one or two lights on.  No longer do we use a lot of the rooms in our house.  We have limited income and so we try to keep the electric bill down but really there is no reason to be in the other rooms of the house.  How sad.  

Now that I am where I am in life, I think more and more of that house where the lights eventually were only on in the bedroom.  And how sad life can be as people get older as friends and family pass on, kids start living their own lives.  

A few years ago, development moved in to where that house was.  The house was knocked down to make way for a drug store.  Now when I got by that spot it’s even more sad as I think of that place where a family lived, but slowly fizzled out and poof was gone.  

It reminds me that life is so important; to let those you love know you love them.  We are for only a season then poof we are gone.

Not a Great Week

Having this terrible balance disorder is more than I can deal with sometimes.  A week or so ago I was doing okay; I was still wobbly and off balance, but I managed it.  This past week has been awful.  I feel as if I’m getting worse and not better.  I wanted to cry today and I hardly ever feel that way.  I know that other people have this disorder much worse than I do and I am so grateful for the things I can do, but I just want to be normal and have my old life back.  I don’t want to be old and sick.  I feel like so many people on a spiritual level asking God why me.  I was asking that, too when my precious daughter passed away.  Why was I the only one in family and friends who had a chronically sick child who died?  Why me?  Now I’m asking the same question..why was I hit with this imbalance disorder and no one else?  Okay, I take that back.  I know a couple of people who have an inner ear problem, but they are living their lives..okay, so I’m still living, but not like I used to.  I’m miserable feeling like someone is pushing me all the time or that I’m falling when I lay down to go to sleep.  My brain gets so tired of trying to compensate.  I even get rapid heartbeats because my brain things something is wrong and it’s trying to send reinforcements.  My hand shakes so bad now trying to write.  I’m so tired.  

I’ll be going into my 10th month with this.  I never believed I would have this so long.  I thought therapy would do the trick, but nope.  There is a group called Wobblers.  They were given the ‘myicins’ drug and it damaged their inner ear hairs.  They have no balance and I think something damaged mine, too.  I pray God makes me better...heals me in fact, but it hasn’t happened.  I pray every night..okay, maybe I skip here and there.  But why can’t He heal me...why not me?

I have so much to take care of since hubby broke his leg and can’t bend it.  I do most everything including heavy lifting.  Me and my dog have hypothyroid and now I found out my cat has hyperthyroid.  I feel overwhelmed....just dealing with it all.

That’s all for now..

Blessings.

My LIfe Changed (again) in October 2019

I touched on this subject in an earlier post.  But I want to really ‘touch” on the subject.  On October 6, 2019 I went to bed a normal, ‘happy’ person.  Life had been a real challenge since Donald broke his knee.  But I was coping to say the least.  But maybe subconsciously I really wasn’t.  Anyway, I went to bed, went to sleep then just hours later my eyes shot open, the room was spinning and I really thought I was having a stroke.  What else could it be?  I felt like vomiting, so I rushed to the bathroom as fast I could considering the room was spinning.  As I was vomiting, I collapsed on the floor and told Donald I did not feel well.  He called 911, the ambulance came and took me to the ER. They told me I have vertigo.  I had no clue what that really entailed other than I knew my aunt had a ‘case’ of it.  She did some head/neck exercises and never had it again.  Okay, I thought to myself.  My aunt got through this so I can, too. I went to my family doctor to advise me what I should do.  He was no help.  I asked if I should go the an ent and he told me if I wanted I could.  So I did.  I made an appointment with the ent, assured he could give me meds or advise or something and then I’d be over this.  He told me to go to vestibular therapy.  And I had to have some hearing tests.  In the end after many visits to him and many tests, he was stumped...he didn’t know what is wrong with me.  The vestibular therapist told me I didn’t have a balance issue and dismissed me.  Then I went to the neurologist who said I had vestibular neuritis...but he was sure.  He ordered an mri...and when he looked at the results he said he wasn’t sure what I had as the brain scan was clear...well, all for a couple of blood vessels that were closed off....old age.

I went to eye dr who says I have some problems with my eyes, like convergency and some other stuff and I’m in vision therapy.  Then I saw and ent from the University of Maryland and he said he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me.  

Weeks after I had my vertigo attack I felt as if I was walking on a boat...it was horrible.  Not being able to stand or walk, no balance....who can live like that?  Then days later I got on my computer and had another dizzy attack.  I felt to the floor.  I was yelling for Donald but he went outside so our wonderful dog, Maddee came and sat by my side.  I was yelling and crying...wondering if my life was gonna be like this forever now.  How can I find a solution to this if the doctors have no clue?

For a couple of months after this I would have dizzy spells that would knock me into the doors..or I could get up out of bed.  I felt sick to my stomach.  Really, really sick.  I had a friend who told me what to take to help with the nauseated stomach.  But the worse parts of all this was that I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t walk right..  

After the boat feeling went away the trampoline sensation came along.  It wasn’t so much I was on the boat anymore as it was I was walking on a trampoline.  Horrible.  How can I live the rest of my life like this??

I needed answers...I went to facebook groups, which when I started looking for vestibular groups, I was shocked to find so many people dealing with this.  Every day for years some have reported.  How is this possible and nobody has ever heard about it except those who are dealing with it?  I became a member of a new group....the group of vestibular people.  There are also people dealing with being permanently injuries from having ‘myicin’ toxicity...like gentamicin.  Those medications actually kill off the little hairs in the vestibular system and make people off balance..crippling them.  

So where am I at now 8 mos later....I’m better, but not much.  I still can walk straight.  I can’t stand without feeling like I’m falling over.  I need to sit to feel still.  

I have an invisible disease....I pray to God to please heal me.  But I’m not there yet.  I don’t know if He will...it makes me sad.  Why do I have to live like this??

I still am scared I will have a vertigo attack. And since I’m the only driver, I worry I might have a dizzy spell when I’m driving.  

There is an organization called Veda.  Their ‘symbol’ is the flamingo.  I asked someone why a flamingo and they told me because flamingos balance on one leg...it is symbolic of what we can’t do....something like that.  Or maybe we strive to balance on one leg..which most of us can’t do now.  So much we can’t do.

Blessings!

Thirty Year Mystery Solved (sort of)

My mom passed away in 1989.  Don’t know how long after that my sister told me mom had been married before!  I was shocked.  This opened up so many questions.  Who was she married to?  When did she get divorced...why?  Do I have any half siblings?  My sister didn’t know.  In fact, my sister suspected she might not be my dad’s...maybe she was the daughter of the first husband.  It rocked my world.  It was almost as shocking as finding out you’re adopted, I would think.  The world you knew and grew up it was a farse.  Or at least a half farse.  That’s how I felt and continued to feel all these thirty-some years.

A short time after this ‘news’ was revealed my brother and I  started to investigate.  One day when dad wasn’t home we got into the important papers in the desk, the papers we were never allowed to see.  And there we discovered some clues, although I can’t remember what clues we found.  We were always told my parents got married in Pennsylvania so my brother decided he would drive there to get a copy of my parent’s marriage license.  And when he saw it he called and confirmed that mom had indeed been married before because the license said she was divorced.  And it even gave the divorce date.  It was still shocking to me. I don’t really know how the other siblings took it but it just shocked me.  So started my search for her first husband.

We asked my mom’s sister about this newly discovered information and she said she didn’t know anything about her being married before.  Granted, my aunt was 17 years older, but I’m pretty sure my grandmother would had informed my aunt what my mom did at the age of 17.  So my aunt denied everything.  I asked my father’s sisters but they couldn’t remember anything because they were just kids at the time.  Nobody was talking; it was hush hush.  And that made me even more determined to get to the bottom of this.

My younger brother ran into a friend of my mother’s.  He asked her some questions about mom’s first marriage.  She gave some info, but she said she wasn’t sure if it was true.  And with that info I tried looking up who this first husband was and I did get some clues but nothing was confirmed.  I had no way to confirm anything.

I felt like until somebody would tell the truth I would never know who and why mom married before.  This was in 1949 or 1950...some seventy years ago.  But the way mom and dad brought us up was contradictory to the way they lived their lives before us kids.  I had to know why.

When I lived at home we have a bunch of photo albums we kept in the book shelf.  There were a few of mom when she was a teenager, but one in particular I was always curious about.  She was standing with this teenage boy and they were on the sidewalk in what looks like Washington, D.C.  Mom is holding some packages and I’m sure a street photographer took their picture.  When I’d ask mom who the guy was she said a friend.  Hmmmm....

So when mom died I was the keeper of family genealogy and old photos.  And that photo sat in my drawer all these years.  Every once in a while I’d take it out more to look at how young mom was than to figure out who her friend was.  It was a simple time in those years..the 1950’s.

I have always been interested in genealogy.  When you think about all your grandparents...if circumstances hadn’t been what they were none of us would be here.  So years ago I signed up for Ancestry.  I used it for awhile, then I wouldn’t then I’d go back to it.  Then not long ago I got an email from a cousin who said she did a dna test and that she found new cousins.  And she confirmed some things she had been wondering about.  Well, that prompted me to get back to Ancestry and see if I could find any new information about my ancestors.  I already had my family tree set up so I hint leave was on my mom’s name.  I clicked it on and up popped my mom social security index with three names on it.  That never happened before.  I have seen her as index but the one name that popped up with it was never on there before....but lo and behold it was the name of the person I suspected may had been mom first husband.  OMGosh I was so excited.  I got into a drawer where I kept mom’s things and pulled out her 1948 yearbook.  I scrolled through it and there were references to this boy in her own handwriting.  And his sister, too.  I believed I was onto something here.

After some more detective work and finding the name of the boy I believed to be mom’s first husband, I put his name into Ancestry and a family tree popped up with him in it!  I emailed the lady who made the tree and asked her a few questions about this person who I suspected had been married to mom.  She confirmed every question so I knew it was all correct.  She emailed me saying that they had a picture of a woman and her grandfather and suspected it could have been his first wife or a girlfriend, they didn’t know.  I asked her if she could email the picture, she did.  I cannot tell her the feeling I got when I saw my mother in that picture.  To think that some stranger family was wondering the same thing about who the woman in that picture was with their grandfather like I was wondering who’s mom ‘boy’ friend was in the picture in my drawer.  And the boy in the picture she sent me looked like the boy in the picture in my drawer.  So I sent her my picture and asked her if that was her grandfather and she confirmed it was.  Now we know who mom was married to.  Although we don’t have a marriage license or divorced record yet because all the state offices are closed due to civid-19, when they open I’m going to go to the records department and do a search.

Now, the sister of this ‘boy’ is still alive and when her family asked her about mom and her brother she said that mom and her brother got married the day before he was to leave for the Korean War.  My mom had even lived with them, his family for awhile.  She worked at a dry cleaners.  But one day my uncle and his brother came into the dry cleaners and that’s when she met my dad.  And when her first husband came back home on leave my mom told him she wanted a divorce.  And he was heartbroken and it took him a long while to get over it.

This is why I was shocked at learning all this.  My parents raised us to tell the truth and do things right.  Yet, they did it all wrong.  See, mom got married, then met my dad and got pregnant by him while still married to the first husband, then had the baby, got divorced and ten days later married my dad.  That’s what shocks me so much.  That’s not how we were brought up.  I understand that they probably learned from their mistakes and didn’t want us to make the same ones, but they never told us their mistake..they just told us that we better, never do that (whatever it was were talking about).

My oldest sister always lived with some doubt that she belong to my dad.  She thought maybe she was the daughter of the first husband since mom had her before dad and her were married.  So she lived with that thought all her live.  My sister passed away in 2018 and it breaks my heart that she isn’t here to learn the truth and that she isn’t my half sister, she is my full sister.  She always wondered.

Here is the picture the other family had:

 

Mom must have been about 16 here I’m thinking.  I have never seen my mom so happy.  Granted, she was a teenager here, but still, I have never seen her smile like this.

Here is the picture I had:

There were not dates on the pictures so I don’t know when they were taken but this picture seems like  she was already dressing like a housewife.  However, if the story is true that they got married the day before he left for Korea, then I don’t think they were married here, but I don’t know.

If I could ask my mom one question right now it would be, ‘why did you keep this a secret from us?’  It has been more shocking to me to find out she was married after she passed than if we had grown up knowing it.  

Blessings!

Quarantine Projects

While the majority of people are staying home to rid the world of the Coronavirus {coved-19}, I’m sure closets, drawers, kids toy chests, kitchen cabinets and many more places in homes are being cleaned out.  I’m also pretty sure lawn work is getting done.  But there are some of us that have taken to our sewing machines, crochet hooks, knitting needles, cross stitch and other handcrafting items to turn out beautiful pieces of work.  

Here is a vest I sewed together.  This pattern was from the 1990’s.  I have had it for that long, but never made it.  So what better time than now to make it.  I like it and even if it’s not in style anymore I don’t care.  I’m gonna wear it anyway.

 

 

Another project I started and finished is this crochet bag made to hold my ipad and keyboard.  I was getting a bit frustrated having my keyboard in one place and my ipad in another.  So I decided it was time to make a bag to hold both together.  

 

I’ve also sewed some masks.  

 

While I still have tons of cleaning out to do, I also wanna get some of my long list of handcraft projects done.  And as I cross off things on my list that I get accomplished, of course I add more onto the bottom!

Blessings!

He Adopted a Dog!

Well, what a surprise!  We got a new grand-dog.  Our son knows a co-worker who brings adoptable dogs to the area so he got in touch with the co-worker to see how all that works.  Personally, I was a little surprised that my son would want another dog so soon.  But I understand he is a single guy, living by himself and his Maggy was his other half {so to speak}.  And he needs company, a companion.  My son got onto the website of adoptable dogs and Gus was one of them.  Gus was being fostered in Oakton, Va.    

On Easter Sunday, I video called my son to see how he was doing and when the video popped up my son had his camera pointed at the dog!  So that was the first thing I saw when he answered his phone. That’s why I was surprised when I saw him.  I am happy for my son.  There will be a name change from Gus to Franky.  My son is already training him to stay and shake and to stay off the furniture.  

I’m sure there will be more pictures coming.  But for now, I’m glad there is enough room in my son’s heart for another dog.  But we miss Maggy so very much.

Blessings!

We Lost Our Grand-dog

On April 4, 2020 we lost our beautiful grand-dog Maggy.  It was sudden and unexpected.  That makes it even worse in my opinion.  I mean, everything is fine, then boom, it’s not fine.  I was in my office at my desk when I heard my son come into the house.  I didn’t know he was coming over for a visit especially during the quarantine.  He’s a jokester and usually when he comes into the house he throws the office door open to try to scare me.  This time he threw the door open screaming, “she’s gone, she’s gone, she’s gone.”  He held up Maggy’s collar and I didn’t know what he was saying at first.  I was thinking so fast that she ran away and he couldn’t find her but she never did that before so that didn’t make sense.  And my son was crying so hard and I knew something really terrible happened.  I got up and hugged my son until he could control his crying {broken heart} and then he sat down to tell me what happened.  He said that Maggy wouldn’t eat anything that morning and then later she couldn’t even stand up.  He called the vet and they told him to bring Maggy in.  They  did an X-ray of her stomach and found she had a tumor on her spleen that made her spleen burst and the tumor was also growing onto her heart.  There was no way to repair it.  She had to be put down.  Just writing these words makes me cry.  She was a beautiful, loving, wonderful dog.  I still can’t believe she is gone.  My son got Maggy after he came home from basic training.  She was a little puppy then.  But soon after that my son was called to go to Iraq and I kept Maggy for him until he came back.  Then he was called out again nine months later and I kept Maggy once more.  She lived with us for quite a few years.  

My son is single so Maggy was his true companion.  They were inseparable.  They hiked, went to the beach, took daily walks, everything.  And as a mom, I want to make it all better for my son and take away his broken heart but I can’t.  Here are some pictures of our beautiful girl:  

 

 

 

Life is going to be so different without her.  I’m so thankful she was a part of the our family.  

Blessings!

Some Favorite Youtubers who Have Passed

When I began watching youtube it was a whole new concept for me.  I kinda got hooked on it; watching other people’s lives.  I’m one of those who love looking into other people’s homes while driving down the street, curious as to how others live and decorate their homes.   So youtube sorta helps in that respect.  It’s sad to say that some of my favorite youtubers have passed away.  Not only is it sad, it’s quite shocking.  Death is like that isn’t it?  Even if we are prepared it’s still shocking.  But here is a list of those who I shared time with even if they didn’t know it and now will never know it.

Depression Cooking 

Clara was 93 when she passed away.  She gives us insight into what it was like living through the depression and recipes of foods her grandmother and mom used to make.

The Mills Family 

Andrea Mills was a mother of 9 children living in a small house in Wyoming.  She gave tips on organizing, sewing, homeschooling and everyday life.  Around April 2019 she starting feeling under the weather and she tried some home remedies, but after a few dr visits and then finally being admitted to the hospital it was discovered she had cancer.  Unbeknownst to her views, she was 13 weeks pregnant with her 10th child.  In August she passed away.  Tom is now left with 9 kids to raise while is grieving his wife and working and doing all the chores Andrea did.

Phyllis Stokes

Phyllis and her husband Mr. Bucky lived in South Carolina.  She made mostly cooking videos of foods from the fifties, but her and her husband also shared stories of the by-gone days.  They had a couple of poodles, too.  Last year, I can’t remember the month but Phyllis was diagnosed with cancer in the bile duct in her liver {I believe}.  A month after that in July 2019 Mr. Bucky was downstairs sleeping in his recliner and when Phyllis came downstairs to make breakfast she saw him still sleeping in the recliner.  After she made breakfast she called for him to come eat, but he didn’t answer and when she checked on him he had passed away.  Terribly sad.  Six months later in December Phyllis succumbed to her cancer.  I still can’t believe it.  When people have become a part of your day, they are sorta family...even though you don’t personally know them.

Homemade Everything

I watched this channel every now and again.  I found it through Dr. Lee’s channel “Out on the Ranch.”  Homemade Everything is Dr. Lee’s son Mark and his family.  A year or so ago Mark started having sinus issues and went to dr and long story short, he had sinus cancer.  He then had surgery to removed the tumor but it grew back fast.  It eventually went into his jaw bone and a huge tumor grew there.  But what a great attitude Mark had throughout his treatment which eventually lead him to stop treatment and live the best life he could with the time he had.  He leaves behind a wife and two little children.  

It’s so very sad not seeing these people anymore.  I so enjoyed watching them.  

Life is so short...it really is.  It goes by way too fast and trying to make the best of each situation is extremely hard sometimes, but laughter is the best medicine.  Find the funny in situations.  Laugh as much as you can and make as many memories as possible because that is all your loved will have left of you when you are gone.  

I hope you enjoy watching these channels.

Blessings!

Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan issued a “stay at home” order for Maryland residents on Monday — further curtailing daily life in the Free State in hopes of slowing the spread of the new coronavirus.

“Every Marylander can be a hero, just by staying home,” Hogan, a Republican, said in a news conference outside the State House in Annapolis Monday morning.

I woke up to this order from Governor Hogan this morning.  We are to stay in our homes and only go out for essentials, i.e. food or medical.  I never, ever, in my wildest dreams thought our state (or nation) would have a pandemic, let alone being 'ordered' to stay in our homes.  This is like something out of a cartoon movie or even the Bible where the king or ruler tells everyone they have to stay in their homes or else.  I was telling hubby today, 'just think, when our great-great grandkids (assuming we'll have one or two) study this pandemic in school {they will, won't they?} they'll talk about how their great-great grandparents survived it. 

Donald and I stay home mostly anyway...okay, we do go out to eat or go to medical appointments, but we mostly we stay home.  So this really isn't a huge problem for us.  

This is a great time for people to clean out their closets, organize their homes, deep clean it, and just chill.  I hope that parents who are homeschooling their kids will decided to continue to do so even after this virus has passed.  It would be wonderful for parents to realize what they are missing in seeing their children finding joy in education and learning.  And that working from home can be an option for parents who have learned that being home with their family is something they have truly missed out on.  

There are blessings in everything.  Sometimes we just have to see past the negative to see the positive.  I believe that is how God made it.  Because He is in charge of everything single thing.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  

Blessings!

 

Never thought I would ever see the world shut down.  What's even more scary is that the medical facilities have basically shut down.  Our doctor appointments and therapy has had to be rescheduled.  And they will probably be rescheduled after that.  If one was in a mindset of doomsday I suppose they would think now is the time the world is ending.  For me, I am waiting for Jesus to come out of the sky on a white horse.  

I have to say I am sick of hearing about this coronvirus already.  It has altered me getting help for my vestibular disorder.  It makes me have to stay home instead of letting me decided if I wanna stay home or go out somewhere.  It makes it hard when I need supplies like toilet paper, paper towels or water and others have hoardered {is that a word?} it and there is none in any of the stores.  Schools have shut down, theaters, restaurants {no eating inside}, sports events...crazy.  I read a funny on facebook how spanking and prayers have come back into schools...meaning since the schools have shut down kids are being schooled at home.  Parents are working from home, too.  I mean, everyone is working from home.  I guess this too shall pass but when you're in the storm it doesn't seem like it's ever gonna pass.  This time next year everyone will be talking about the time the world shut down cause of coronavirus.  And it will be popping up on facebook.  

Blessings!

Mike and Meg (We had a wedding! October 6, 2018)

Our daughter got married!.  It is a sad and joyous occasion for us.    Here are some of her wedding pictures:

It was a beautiful wedding.  But you spend a year planning for it and then boom it’s over with before you know it.  Her and her husband, Mike Stog (of Mike Stog Photography...go check him out, he’s all over the net), are living a happy life and have plans to buy a house and start a family!

Broken Femur/Vestibular Problems

Time flies by so fast and I know I have said that many times, but it amazes me how I think something happened a short while ago, but nope.  We are getting old (husband and I) and our health in going by the wayside.  It’s getting harder to get through a day.  Whoever came up with “Golden Years” was a liar unless he had great health and lots and lots of money.  Otherwise, I’d like to meet him and tell him he is wrong.

One day in March 2017 it was a normal day until the phone rang.  It was hubby at work saying he went to get up from his desk and couldn’t.  He broke his femur bone at the knee.  Long story short, I had to go get him, take him to the ER and it’s been a nightmare since.  Four operations later his leg is fused so he can’t bend it. He can’t drive.  He walks with crutches, he lost his job.  That day changed our lives forever.  I was mad, angry and missing our old life.  No more can we RV.  I have to do all the driving now.  I have to do most of the chores.  *sigh*

Hubby had to go on SSDI.   And because he was on that I was also eligible to get a little money, too.  But when your salary is cut to bare bones your lifestyle is too.  Now it’s worry about everything.

Mostly since 2017, things have been focused on hubby and his health, but last year in October (2019) I woke up with the room spinning.  Hubby called an ambulance as I had collapsed on the floor.  And the long and story of that is ER dr said I had vertigo.  So off to the ENT, audiologists, VRT (vertigo rehabilitation therapy), neurologist and soon to see a eye doctor who specializes in eye problems.  And symptoms with this disorder include 24 hour nausea, dizziness, feeling like you are seasick and walking on a trampoline all the time.  I never even knew this disorder existed.  And what has shocked me even more is how many people are suffering with it.  Of course, I went to facebook groups just to see if there was a group of vestibular disorders and yes there was.  People all around the world and yet hardly any of us are being diagnosed properly.  I have little faith in the medical profession these days.  Google can tell me more about my problems then a man or woman who spend years in school supposingly learning how to medically treat people.  But don’t get me started on that.  Anyway, I had to quit driving for a couple of months, but thank the Good Lord my kids were able to get us to doctor appointments and such.  I told my son this is why people need to have a lot of kids...so us old parents have tons of children to rely on and not burn them all out at one time! LOL.  Most days I just wanna give up, though and not get out of bed, but I remind myself I need to find purpose in the day and that is why I DO get up and even if it’s to wash clothes or cook a meal.  I have to keep pushing on.

Our son bought his own house.  He was living with us, too but we had to convert the family room into a bedroom for him.  He was here about a year or so and it was wonderful having the kids back home and we were all together.  I don’t care how old they get it is always grand to have the kids around.  It’s just too bad we don’t have a large parcel of land where we can build houses for each of the kids and we could be close to one another like back in the days of farming.  But with technology these days we can talk with each other and video chat if we want to.  And that’s the next best thing to having them here.

So this is kind of our four year update.  I’m hoping to start updating here more.

Blessings!
Bev