Yesterday was the anniversary of the death of our daughter and sister. Anniversary is a word that sounds as though it's something to celebrate, but it's not. Katrina was twelve years old when she lost her battle to cystic fibrosis. That's when my family's lives changed; we felt the pain of broken hearts. It's when five became four. Parents lost their firstborn daughter, siblings lost their older sister. Nothing to celebrate about that, for sure. We felt as if we had been thrown into the sea and had to learn to keep our heads above water or we'd all drown. Swimming against the current is the best way to describe it. I had to learn to take four dinner plates out of the cabinet instead of five. I had to look at the place at the table where Katrina used to sit. Awful. Whoever said time heals all wounds never experienced the death of a child. It's certainly one wound that never, ever heals. It's not something to get over, either. It's always there, that knot in my stomach, the hole in my heart. Dreams, goals and future is gone. Furture grandchildren, gone. It's all gone with the death of a child. Katrina was a tropper, though as most cf kids are. She never complained and always had a smile on her face. Oh, if she was here I would grab her up in my arms and plant kisses on her face and tell her how much I love her. Instead, I have to wait to be reunited with her. It will happen someday. I have missed her for eighteen years now. I can't believe it's been so long. Where has time gone? Katrina, if you can somehow hear me, I love you; I miss you and I can't wait to see you again.
I try to keep myself busy during this time, so I don't have to remember (but it doesn't work). Husband and I went to the mall last weekend. They had a pumpkin contest (different stores make a pumpkin to enter it in a contest). Here's some of those pumpkins:
My daughter and her friends dressed up for Halloween and went out on the town. She went as a dead bride. The above picture was how I thought she'd look and it wasn't far from it. Below is a picture of my daughter:
Why she chose this as her costume, I don't know. After the mall we stopped by a farm down the street that has a corn maze and other activities, but since it was 10pm we didn't do much except look through the country store. Then later that night I carved my pumpkin:
Honestly, it isn't as fun without my kids. I know they are grown, but still, it was always a tradition and now it's kinda gone. How I miss the giggles, the 'oh gross' when the kids would reach their hands inside the pumpkin to pull out all the guts and seeds. Holidays = kids and laughs. Those two just go together. Now, it's time to think about Thanksgiving and Christmas. A friend in Ohio had said that their forecast has mentioned snow for this Friday. Please tell me it can't be..already.