Withdrawing From Paxil

I have been on anti-depressants since my daughter died which was in 1992.  I have been on all of them except some of the newer ones that are out.  But I've been on Paxil the longest.  And it has the worse withdraw symptoms.  You can google them..the list is too long to put here.  Let just say, though, that I have tried many times to get off this stuff.  It's addictive and it's like one is addict to crack or something.  If I miss one dose, just one day, my brain feels like it sloshing around in my head, I have white noise in my ears.  I can get a headache and other stuff, but one of the worst withdraw symptoms is the anger.  Oh man, I can get angry at a drop of a hat.  And that's not like me.  This drug is demonfied, let me tell you.  And it's uncontrollable anger.   It's like I'm in this body who is angry and I'm along for the ride.  It's so awful.  And if I cannot get my meds refilled and I miss a day or more...look out.  It's like being a drug addict that needs a fix.  I'm not kidding.  I hate this medication.  So guess, what, I'm getting myself off it.  Thank and praise God, that the anger hasn't shown up.  I'm having white noise in my ears and the sloshing of the brain, but so far so good.  Oh yeah, and another thing.  One of the symptoms of withdraw is flu like symptoms.  Well, on day two/three, I would get sooo cold; my hands and feet felt like they had been in the snow and yet about 30 minutes later I was sweating like a pig.  At first I didn't put two and two together until about day 4 when the cold/hot episodes had almost stop.  But here I am on day 6.  Praise God!!  And doing good.

I told my family that I was taking myself off this Paxil stuff and if I have any type of episodes or I get super angry, just know it's a withdraw symptom.  Try to understand and talk me through it.  Believe me, you really cannot control yourself.  So, just to test me {hahaha} I had ordered over two weeks ago some birthday presents for Meghan's birthday.  Three different things; two came through Amazon fulfillment center and another came through a supply company.  The Amazon shipment was sent through some stupid Laser Ship company; I never even heard of them but 'they couldn't find my house'.  Donald has to finally, after I had paid for shipping, go to the shop and pick up my order.  And the other present was shipped through Fedex, who, could not find my house, blah, blah, blah.  Luckily, they are right down the street from me and I sat in that office for almost 3 hours listening to their lies:  1)  the wrong address was on the package; 2)  the package was delivered; 3)  the package wasn't delivered but a note was left on my door; 4) the delivery truck broke down and they had to switch trucks and my package was left on it, or dropped out of it.....oh my gosh.  All lies and still they can't find my package.  Now, wasn't that a test of my patience....to see if my Paxil withdraw symptoms would come into play?  I did get mad, and I started shaking because I was so mad, but I did not go full postal.  Yeah!  But, I had to come home, call the place I ordered the present from and ask for a refund.  What a waste of time and paperwork.  And my gas for driving down there.

I can't believe summer is almost over.  It's so sad.  I crave hot, summery days.  To think the cold is around the corner again, the heavy coats and long sleeve shirts is making me bonkers.  

Oh well, at least we are alive to enjoy every season.  I say that because so many people of my age group are dropping over dead.  It's unbelievable.  And it's shocking.  I mean, to see someone in the store that you know a few weeks before and learn they are dead is mind boggling.  We are all at death's door; anyone of us could pass through within the minute, but at times it just doesn't possible.  How is that possible?  I know it is; I've witnessed enough of death in my life, but to think that Donald or I will be without the other is just so sad.  When one starts their lives it's so joyful and fun and ya think about growing old together, but when it really happens it's scary and sad and frightening.  That's why every needs to count for something.  

Okay, that's enough for now.  

Blessings!

July 4th and Shark Week

I really gotta start keeping a blog planner.  I have things I wanted put here, but then I forget and...well, that's what happens when one gets old(er)!  

July 4th came and went.  Our son stopped by...well, actually, he went shopping for some goodies and came by.  Haha!  Or he shopped the day before....see how days get combined into one?  Anyway, the daughter went to her friend's house so we missed having her, but the son stayed all day with us.

My son with his subtitles

He even came by the next day (Sunday) because you know why?  It was the beginning of Shark Week!! After him and his dad worked in the yard we had leftovers for dinner. Then dad and son went to the basement to watch the sharks, I went to my room to watch them...until my son came into the room to say he was leaving....uh, waking me up.  Darn, I  missed a lot of it.  Shark day #2 wasn't that good of a day either for me because I think I got through 1 and a half shows before I fell asleep. 

Just dropping by to say hi for now.

Blessings! 

Howd'y there folks!   I haven't forgotten about you...just that depression has gotten in the way of everyday life.  It's really a Catch 22.  Depression makes a person not have the motivation to do anything, yet by doing nothing one falls into a deeper black hole.  Which, in turn, makes it harder for a person to climb back out.  {*Note:  Catch 22 is a book we had to read in junior high school; the phrase really is similar to a rock and a hard place.}  However, if one can do something, even the little thing, it can help one to climb out.  It's a sad thing, depression.  

I've really missed telling you alot of stuff that has happened.  For instance, Mother's Day.  Katrina's birthday day....but I'm not going to make up for it now.  I'm just gonna try to move forward and start with today.  

Today, I slept until 4 or 5 pm..however, I didn't go to sleep until 9 am.  And this scheduled doesn't help to get a good routine.  Why am I like this?  I think the only way to sleep is to take something and I've never, ever been one to take something for sleep.  But I've come to the point where sleep does not come naturally to me unless I'm so totally exhausted I just clonk out.  I think depression has something to do with it.  And knowing I have an appointment at a certain time of day causes my anxiety to kick in big time.  I hate appointments.  

So this week, actually tomorrow, I have to take the kittens to vets to get stitches removed and daughter is going away on a business trip, so I have to drop her off at the airport.  The airport of all places.  I don't even know how to drive through an airport.  Just thinking about it is giving me anxiety.

Yet, we just found out that a 'friend' from church passed away.  This woman was instrumental in bringing us to this particular church 20+ years ago.  I met her one day when both our daughters were taking tap dancing lessons at a community center.  The two of us would sit on the floor and talk about Christ, our schools, our churches.  I remember she was cross stitching something for a wedding and she couldn't make French knots in it so I showed her how to do it.  I wasn't happy with the school my kids were attending and she said her church had a school that was wonderful and I should go check it out.  She invited my family to the churches Passion play they put on every Easter and it was one of the best plays I had ever seen.  And, I remember her birthday was coming up and she was gonna be 39 and she was saying how old she was getting.  Can you imagine 39 being old??  Considering when she passed she was 65, fighting ovarian cancer and ending with 9 grandchildren.  Amazing!  So many of our friends are passing away and as one gets older it gets scarier to see this happening because one thinks they will always be in good health and live a long time, although I don't know what a long time really is.  I suppose 100 years is a long time, huh?

When one has depression and friends like her pass away, it can throw one deeper in the hole.  It's almost impossible to believe people so close to you are here alive and well for the most part and then gone forever.  The concept of it boggles the mind.  We are all so close to death's door and just don't seem to realize it.  

And yeah, I'm gonna say something about Bruce Jenner.  What a bunch of hog wash!!  These men who think changing the outside of themselves makes them a woman is stupid.  They dress up in women's clothes, put on make and grow their hair out and, bam, they are a woman.  I think not!!  When you have periods so painful you can even go to work or school, bloating to where you have to have different size clothes in your wardrobe for whatever day of the week it is , painful breasts, fatigue, headaches, birthing pains 'that time of the month' craziness, and a whole lot of other stuff that goes with being a real female...then come see us ladies.  And..the makeup....drag queen!  How many females  {real women, mind you} wear that much makeup??  He put son so much make up he looks like a clown.  Women don't wear make up like that.  It's ridiculous.  The world is wanting us to accept 'no gender' people and that happening.  It's an insult to real women who fought to get voting rights and other rights.  I'm not talking about being a feminist.  But good gosh.....Bruce, you're a clown.  P.S....it was interesting how you had to hide you man hands in the Vanity Fair shot.  

Okay..that's it for now.  
Blessings!

 

Wow, Just Wow!

I am so ready for spring.  Yesterday I weeded out the vegetable garden and planted peas.  After the long winter {and I know even though we got quite a bit of snow it was nothing compared to up north} I'm so ready to get outside and sit in the sunshine.  I know I've probably said this before but oh how I love spring!  To watch all dying and old things become alive with new growths is just amazing.  Watching the birds building nests for their new little ones is awesome.  It's a wonderful time of year.  And how about not having to put on coats, gloves and hats to go outside?? Wonderful!  Opening the house up to air out and smelling the breeze coming through...wow, just wow!  

There are so many projects need doing around this homestead...I've already starting on the main bathroom.  I painted and replaced the medicine cabinet with a new one.  Look marvelous!  It's funny, though.  I had this idea how I wanted everything to look and it never turns out the way my idea was in my head.  But I think it's gonna turn out nicely anyway.  I am in the process of caulking around the bathtub and to tell you the truth, it's a chore I'm not fond of so I've put it off and now it's like a ball and chain around my ankle.  If I'd just do it it would be over and done with and I wouldn't have to think about it anymore.  But that's me, the procrastinator.  

After I get that bathroom done, I'm gonna start on the master bathroom.  I've already picked out the paint color and I so wish my bedroom was this color.  It's a nice blue beachy color.  {I know beachy isn't a word.}  

I'll post some before and after pictures once everything is complete.  It's gonna be awesome!

Blessings!

The New Year is 'Round the Corner, Y'all!

Here it is, the year's almost over and a new year is springing new life.  One of my 2014 goals was to try new foods which I did.  Some I liked and some I didn't. LOL  So, the last few days I've been thinking about new goals for 2015.  I got a lot going on in my head and if I don't get them down on paper they will be lost forever!  That's what happens when you get older, folks. 

I asked Donald what our goals should be nutrition wise this year. He said we should stop drinking soda.  I agree.  I'm addicted to soda.  I think it's the sugar that makes me crave it.  When I get on the 'I'm not drinking soda anymore' modes, I can go about three days without it, but then on the fourth, oh boy, I get a hanker'in for it so bad I will do anything (not really) for a soda. Some people are addicted to smoking, some drugs, unfortunately, but my addiction is soda.  Now, here's something I'm gonna share, but don't judge me on it.  It's not all my fault.  I had a bottle until I was about six years old.  I have no idea why my parents didn't wean me off it.  But I can remember my mom filling up my bottle with Pepsi.  I was the third child and I don't know if she was tired at that point and just wanted me to be quiet or what.  :)  I do remember sometimes I begged her for Pepsi.  And now, I think back on those days and wonder if my addiction to soda didn't start then.  Who knows?  I'm an adult now, so I can't blame other people for my choices today. 

We haven't been able to RV the last couple of years.  In 2013, Donald had some medical problems that he had to take off six months to resolve it.  He had to go to the hospital every day so we weren't able to travel.  In 2014, we had construction start in front of our home and getting from our house to the road was impossible with and RV.  I have been saving money so we can go on a trip, so now it's time for planning and calculating the cost. 

Of course, finances are always an issue for the New Year.  Even though we have improved quite a bit in that area, we still need to improve more.  We are going to attempt to put a name to every dollar as Dave Ramsey has suggested, but I don't know how well that will work for us.  I'm thinking if I make my budget sheets up a couple of paychecks ahead of schedule it might put me on the track of what's ahead when the payday rolls around.  Getting Donald to stay on board is gonna be hard. 

Christmas was nice; we spent it at home with Adam and Meghan.  Adam had to be at work at 2:30pm so he came to the house early.  I made eggs, bacon and pancakes (our traditional Christmas breakfast meal) and later that night I put in lasagna with garlic toast.  It was simple for me.  I'm so over the big traditional meals now days.  I never in my life think that I wouldn't want big meals for holidays, but I do now. 

I do have to run to the store tomorrow to get some black eyed peas.  Donald always wants them on New Year's Day.  Something about if you get them on NYD money will come your way.  That's fine...but what is also fine is if we just stay above water. 

I will probably post some pictures soon...as soon as I get them downloaded.

Blessings!

Thanksgiving 2014

We usually go to my brothers for Thanksgiving.  But this year we are staying home.  I don't have anything planned for turkey day.  I thought about going food shopping, but it would be just as cheap to go out to a restaurant to eat.  Since getting older, I don't find cooking enjoyable.  Yeah, I have to feed the husband, but it just gets old. 

 

I've been watching youtube videos of young moms vlogging about their days.  Wow...brings back memories of my life.  When the children were young, I would leave the house around 8am and sometimes I wouldn't get home until dinner time just because there was shopping to do and errands to run.  I see that with these young moms.  Just amazing how time flies by ya. 

 

When Donald and I were married I worked for awhile.  But I wanted to have children, so I quit work.  But there was a time period where I would stay home by myself when Donald was at work and it was boring...after I cleaned up in the morning I had so much time on my hands I didn't know what to do with myself.  But after having children, the days are so filled up sometimes you don't even have a minute to yourself.  However, that's what really kept me going.  I had to take care for my children.  Now that I'm old(er) I'm back to being at home by myself (minus 12 cats and one dog) but I find myself once again trying to keep myself busy.  I had volunteer for about a year, but I think the stress of it was wearing me down and I had to give it up.  I was hoping to be able to go back to it, but I haven't...yet.

 

So back in my early 30's my grandma was visiting for Thanksgiving.  And that's when I decided I would try to cook a turkey.  I had never done it before so it was exciting and scary at the same time.  But you know what?  It came out great!  Thanksgiving that year was so much fun. 

 

When I was a child, we used to go to my other grandma's house.  The house always smelled sooo good when we got there.  The kids helped set the table so they felt like they were a part of things.  Good times and great memories and miss them so much.

 

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving.  But being thankful isn't just one day of the year.  Everyday we can find blessings and we should be so thankful for even the smallest gifts.

 

Blessings!

 

 

What Happened??

I wanna know what happened to the spring/summer.  I was just designing my garden and here it is winter again.  I waited so long last season for garden planting and growing vegetables; I thought the warm weather would never get here and boom!; here it is cold again.  Why aren't we having warm weather?  I remember many years where it was warm up until December.  Certainly not the last two winters, that's for sure! 

 

Speaking of the garden, mine did not do well this year.  It started off good enough, but somewhere along the road of growing, my plants gave up.  I did get some lettuce, peppers and a few cucumbers, but nothing else.  I heard other people's garden didn't fare well either.  It's like that sometimes.  Don't know it is, but I have great sympathy for farmers.  Thank God for farmers.  Where would we be if we didn't have them?  It's like when our own gardens don't produce we can run to the grocery store or farmer's market and get food.  Awesome!

 

The Green House Homestead has had major changes around it.  It has nothing to do with us.  The land all around us was bought by a developer, an oil company, and guess what they have done to the beautiful land?  Developed it.  Our front yard is only 36 feet from the foundation of our house.  They built right up to it.  We now have a sediment pond feet away from our front porch and the over flow drain  runs along side our house.  They have re-routed our driveway.  They knocked down the 100 year old tree that was 'in our front yard'.  It's terrible.  They have asked us to move for many years, but we have lived here for 36 years.  We have invested and built onto our home over the years.  It's where we brought our children home from the hospital when they were born; where they grew up and fled the nest.  Where we've had fights and arguments and love and hugs and we made memories.  How does one just get up and leave?  So here we stay, now with a sediment pond in front of our house.  Soon we will have an 18 wheeler refueling stations, 8 station gas pumps and a dash-in type store.  This is a far cry from when we moved here 36 years ago.  We had farms; cows, horses and pigs along the road.  I'd stand at my kitchen sink washing dishes looking at he pigs and horses that were only a few feet away on the farm behind our house.  No more.  It is all gone; gave way to a huge community now with a golf course and a country club. 

 

When the trucks and tractors move the dirt around next to my house, my house shakes like a 5.5 earthquake.  Seriously.  I'm worried now about structural damage to my home. 

 

What can ya do?  I don't wanna leave.  So here we stay. 

 

I'll quit for  now, but I got a lot of catching up to do!

Blessings!

I Don't Have a Good Title for This

Do you watch the Homicide Hunter?  Lt. Joe Kenda...he says, "well my, my, my."  Hahah  I'm starting to pick up that saying. 

So much has been happening here at the Green House Homestead that I don't know where to begin.  Well, on second thought, maybe I do.

I'm gonna go through what I can remember.  {Can't believe I've been away so long!!}  Okay, so the kitten we found last year started to grow up and she got pregnant.  She was due to deliver sometime in July.  At the beginning of the month of July is appeared that something was going on with her, so I took her to the vets who did an x-ray.  We saw three kittens!!  However, the doc said her temperature hadn't risen, so she didn't expect them to be there until another week.  So we waited and waited and one evening when Donald and I came home from eating out, Charlotte (the expectant mother) was in a box we had around the house.  I was so excited, it was time!  She was having a discharge so I knew it would be that night.  Anyway, I put her in my bedroom so I could keep an eye or two on her.  For a few hours she acted like she was in labor; she stayed in her box and was having a bloody discharge, but after a few hours, Charlotte jumped out of her box and acted like nothing had happened.  Not a good sign.  Now I'm thinking what I should do because we just spent $100+ on her with the x-rays and all.  Well, I waited and waited until I fell asleep.  When I woke up the next morning Charlotte was walking around not acting like she was gonna deliver.  I knew something was wrong, so I took her to the emergency hospital and explained the last few days to the dr.  Long story short, Charlotte ended up getting a c-section.  Her uterus was badly infected that the kittens fluid was nothing but pus they were in.  The vet techs worked on the kittens for over an hour getting them to breathe because they were full of infection.  Unfortunately, we lost one of the kittens.  So sad; I was really heartbroken. But two kittens did make it and they are happy babies now.  

Now, after coming home from taking another cat to the vets, our oldest 16 year old girl had this yucky stuff on her back.  I didn't know at first if she rubbed up against a bush and had gotten something on her or what until I got closer to her and realized it was pus.  On my gosh, I picked her up to examine the spot and I barely touched it when pus was gushing out of the wound.  She had a big hole in her back.  And it was infected.  I took her into the house, put on some gloves, got out my peroxide and cotton balls and me and Donald started working on her wound.  But the infection was so deep and she had so much pus in her little body it was unreal.  So I called the vets and asked them if they could fit me in which they did.  After we got there and the dr. took care of the wound they said they couldn't believe how much infection she had in her.  And needless to say, this cat we have been treating for and eye problem. She's been to the specialist a few times.  In between all this, another cat got a paw infection and we are so broke now it's crazy.  Savings is almost gone.  But what can you do?  Ya gotta take care of your pets..they are part of the family.

So....the construction has started in front of the house.  No more do we have a beautiful field to look at.  It's a huge hole in the ground.  A sentiment pond is what it's called.  It's suppose to catch all the water from the huge-mon-gous truck stop/gas station/store they are building in the front of the house and to the right.  The company who doing the work has been asking us to sell the house, but we are not spring chickens anymore and we have finally gotten the house the way we want it.  At my age, I just can't see us packing up this place and moving, although tons of people my age are doing it.  Maybe I'm just lazy...but no, the truth is when Donald and I bought this house we had just gotten married.  Well, we actually bought it a few days before we got married and we said we will live in this house until we died.  We never had plans to ever move.  We are the kind of people that when we put our roots down we don't dig them back up.  That's just how we are.  So now we have to deal with all this construction.  {I'll post pictures in another post.}

So, between the cats health problems and construction going on, the budget has been super tight and I've had to put up with my house shaking and trucks all day long.  

But things could be so much worse, couldn't it?  I have to be thankful I'm alive, I have my health, things are normal which if things weren't normal it would be awful.

Just wanted to catch you up  a little bit.

Blessings!

Just Catch'n Up

I've been wanting to post, but just hadn't gotten around to it.  I've seen super sleeping.  I'm so off schedule, I'm like a newborn with my sleeping mixed up.  I'm up while everyone's sleeping and sleeping when everyone else is up.  It's so crazy.  

I've been crocheting some things to put in my Esty store.  I haven't tried selling in there yet, although I've had a store set up for some time...a couple of years, that is.  

My garden:  Donald built me a Rain Gutter Grow System for my garden this year, but it has not worked at all.  I'm thinking it's because we didn't mix the right soil for the buckets.  The plants just sorta petered out.  I decided to till up a block of the yard and planted some corn, pumpkins, lufa, radishes, cucumbers and they are growing great!  So, then I took off the buckets from the first gutter (I have three of them) and decided to fill it with soil which I did, then planted beets.  They are coming up great.  I guess I'm just a 'plant in the grown' kinda girl.  There's something (at least for me) seeing those seeds push up through the ground dirt and grow into something worth eating.  

I never did any spring cleaning and I wish I had.  I need to go through each room of this house and get rid of stuff.  I know the motivation is a mental thing.  I can't seem to wrap my head around it, though.  I heard on the radio that a family had a yard 'sale', except they gave all their stuff away for free.  They felt if somebody needed it, they'd just give it away.  LOL  That's kind of neat; at least that way you aren't stuck hauling it all away yourself.  

I watch a youtuber under the name of Mom the Ebayer.  Wow...look her up.  She dumpster dives, but the things she finds is amazing and the money she gets for it on ebay is crazy!  I wish I could do stuff like that.  

Have a great day!