Wednesday, February 2, 2011

When Devastation Hits

I was told some news this past weekend that was devastating to me.  As it's a family matter I won't discuss it here, but I can tell you I felt like I was sucker punched in the chest.  At times like these my first reaction is at God.  Why did He let the situation happen?  He could have so easily stepped in and changed it, but He let it happen and I get angry.  I want to run from Him and dive into His word at the same time.  I want to find answers that will make me feel better, but I am so angry that I want nothing more to do with Him.  How can a person feel both those emotions at the same time? 

Logically, mentally, intellectually, I know we are a sinful people and we are gonna make mistakes and wrong decisions, but that doesn't make it any easier when devastation happens.  It's the emotions of the heart that don't heal.  Little by little the heart gets wounded and there is just no healing it. 

I believe there are a lot of wounded people walking around.  I'm sure every single person has one battle story they could tell; something so traumatic that happened to them that they are the walking wounded.  That's how I feel...I am the walking wounded. 

How do I pick myself up and just keep going as if I wasn't knocked down to begin with?  How many times in my life do I have to keep doing this? 

It's emotionally hard some days and I just want to stay in bed and not come out of my room.  But that wouldn't be living, would it? 

And as ironic as it sounds, I still want to stand before God one day and hear Him say I'm a good an faithful servant.  But I don't feel that way, at least not today.

And so I wait to see what tomorrow brings.

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